Hey everyone, I wanted first off just to wish everyone a Merry Christmas! I hope your holidays are filled with joy, family and lots of love! Of course Christmas is a very important celebration in our Christian faith as we celebrate Jesus being born and becoming the man who would came to save us all! This is truly the most wonderful gift that anyone could every receive, so thank you Jesus!
Christmas time - as much as I love it - has been a bit tough. The tradition of giving gifts just seems to be meaningless and is starting to frustrate me. I know as a child, I was so self centred and would get everything I wanted for Christmas because I was spoiled rotten. This year as we have a few gift exchanges happening within our family, I find that not only do I not need anything - I don't want anything. Or at least I don't want anything that anyone in my family can give me. This Christmas I would like to become a mom, but I'm not sure that I will be getting what I want for Christmas this year.
It's been such a roller coaster the past few weeks, because I had been doing quite well. People had been encouraging me a lot and it was good. But along with all those things, I have also been feeling a lot of spiritual warfare happening within myself: waking up several nights a week to bad dreams, having days where all I can hear are lies that relate to how I am feeling, and experiencing a complete lack of all motivation to do anything including getting out of bed. This roller coaster is very frustrating to me.
Justin and I have been faced with some stuff we aren't sure about as well. I had contacted the agency and in the past they had told me that our profile had been shown 1-2 times to potential birth moms. In this past email they said that we haven't been shown at all and this is very unusual for how long we have been waiting (picture heart being stabbed here). So I'm not sure where the confusion has taken place or really what's going on there. Justin and I had briefly considered changing our range of acceptance, but feel that we aren't comfortable doing this. It's been a frustrating week. Not sure that there is really anything that we have control over in this time. And trying to keep my trust in God knowing that it will work out when the time is right, even though the longer this goes on it feels like the time is getting wronger and wronger. I know I have absolutely no control over this issue, but God does. So keep praying that he would remember us, sometimes we feel extremely forgotten about.
As we enter into the Christmas season, I just want to encourage you to help or bless someone who needs it. I'm finding that because we are in a tougher spot this year, that Christmas is feeling a bit difficult. SO pray for the people that you know are hurting, try to bless those who are in need. We have so much, and I feel so incredibly guilty watching the ridiculous amount of money that is spent to spoil children who don't have a single need. But there is plenty of need out there. Try to bless someone who needs it this Christmas season. I believe those are the gifts that are meaningful and what giving gifts is truly about at this time of year.
Merry Christmas!
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
Ouch.
There are so many ways that this adoption has changed our lives and our hearts. Some of them are pretty obvious and easy to see, a lot I have shared with you all on the blog. One thing though that has surprised me in this experience, is how our hard time has really revealed to us who the people are that we can trust. We have had such an amazing experience in that we have received love from people we never expected it from. And at the same time we have received the complete opposite from people that we were expecting to love us. It's just weird how life is sometimes. Thankfully, our experience has been more positive than negative, and I just wanted to say thank you for all your love and support. We have been overwhelmed by your kind words and prayers for our family, so thanks!
I would like to clarify a little something though. I had just got yet another wonderful, encouraging message from a friend who said how I have been going through such a hard time, but doing it with grace. Part of me laughed a bit, because I don't feel like I'm graceful at all and that's because I'm not. But I wanted to clarify that if you see grace in this experience, then you are obviously seeing God's grace, because it's not mine. He is making me able to get through this messy time, and it is certainly anything but easy.
As I was driving home from the gym today, I had thought of an analogy (and I'm really quite proud of myself for it, so sorry if it sucks) for what it's like to push into God during the hard times. I know I have said many times that God uses the hard times or the valleys in our life to help us grow - which hurts - but is also really effective if we let him do it. So here it is. As many of you know, I am a nurse on Labour and Delivery. I help deliver babies - it's wonderful. But having a baby is hard work, and any mother who has gone through this will know it. When women go into labour, they are aiming for their cervix to reach that 10 cm mark so they can push that baby out. Having experienced a lot of pain up until this point, they may think that the worst part is over, but in reality it's still to come. Once that cervix is open, the woman can freely push with her contractions to help this baby be born. So in other words during the most painful part (contraction) the mother needs to push down long and hard, directly into the pain, to get that baby out. And it's not like two pushes and that baby is out (ok for some people it is). Some people with their first baby can push for 2-3 HOURS, before delivery. And the pain gets more intense as the pushing continues. Baby starts to move down, stretching tissue that has never been stretched, tearing it in some places. Physical and emotional exhaustion begins to set in, many moms will reach the point when they say "I can't do this anymore". It's hard work, but thankfully she has people there including lovely nurses to tell her "you're almost there, let's push again, keep going". The moment of the most pain comes right as that baby is being born, and then with a final push through the pain, the mom has the most beautiful moment of her life when she meets her child for the first time, how amazing. (I am truly blessed to witness this at work all the time).
This is my analogy of what it has felt like to go through our adoption. I feel like things got hard and we got through them. But then things got harder and God was like, now you need to push into me, against the pain. It hurts so much when something tough is happening, and it hurts to grow and stretch and learn through the process (especially in areas I don't want to be stretched); but at the end of it all it is way better than if I didn't push. For the moms that I have dealt with that didn't want to push - it made everything much harder and prolonged (for everyone). Pushing into the pain as scary as it is, for most moms actually feels better than not pushing. I think that's the spot that God wants us to be in. A place that hurts, but it would hurt more if I did it by myself, with my selfish ambitions in the forefront. Choosing his will for me, pushing into him when it hurts, and growing into a person I wouldn't be if I hadn't experienced this, makes the experience worthwhile. I often tell women not to waste their contractions because you need to push with them to help that baby move down. In the same way I need to not waste my time in the valley, I need to push into Jesus and learn what he has to teach me. It's in the hard times that we grow the most. And when I've had the days when I put my arms up in the air saying "I can't do this anymore", I have amazing people to encourage me saying "You are doing this, keep going, almost there".
I don't know if this analogy makes sense to you guys as much as it clicks to me. And maybe some of you think childbirth is gross and you didn't want to hear this (I was pretty filtered). And maybe some more of you think it's weird that I'm speaking about my adoption through an analogy about childbirth. I just know that this really spoke to my heart today. As things begin to hurt more and more I'm trying to push into Jesus more and more. Because maybe just like childbirth the most painful part is right before you get to meet your baby for the first time. And as I'm pushing into Jesus, part of my heart says "no, this is too hard", but I am blessed with coaches encouraging me and reminding me that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".
Obviously, our adoption is talking about YEARS in time, not the hours or days of labour, I just really thought this was a good representation of what I feel like, having to push into pain, when the existing pain already feels unbearable. Being stretched in places I maybe didn't want to be stretched. But the end result is the most beautiful thing and I can't wait to see what that looks like God, so bring on the pushing.
I would like to clarify a little something though. I had just got yet another wonderful, encouraging message from a friend who said how I have been going through such a hard time, but doing it with grace. Part of me laughed a bit, because I don't feel like I'm graceful at all and that's because I'm not. But I wanted to clarify that if you see grace in this experience, then you are obviously seeing God's grace, because it's not mine. He is making me able to get through this messy time, and it is certainly anything but easy.
As I was driving home from the gym today, I had thought of an analogy (and I'm really quite proud of myself for it, so sorry if it sucks) for what it's like to push into God during the hard times. I know I have said many times that God uses the hard times or the valleys in our life to help us grow - which hurts - but is also really effective if we let him do it. So here it is. As many of you know, I am a nurse on Labour and Delivery. I help deliver babies - it's wonderful. But having a baby is hard work, and any mother who has gone through this will know it. When women go into labour, they are aiming for their cervix to reach that 10 cm mark so they can push that baby out. Having experienced a lot of pain up until this point, they may think that the worst part is over, but in reality it's still to come. Once that cervix is open, the woman can freely push with her contractions to help this baby be born. So in other words during the most painful part (contraction) the mother needs to push down long and hard, directly into the pain, to get that baby out. And it's not like two pushes and that baby is out (ok for some people it is). Some people with their first baby can push for 2-3 HOURS, before delivery. And the pain gets more intense as the pushing continues. Baby starts to move down, stretching tissue that has never been stretched, tearing it in some places. Physical and emotional exhaustion begins to set in, many moms will reach the point when they say "I can't do this anymore". It's hard work, but thankfully she has people there including lovely nurses to tell her "you're almost there, let's push again, keep going". The moment of the most pain comes right as that baby is being born, and then with a final push through the pain, the mom has the most beautiful moment of her life when she meets her child for the first time, how amazing. (I am truly blessed to witness this at work all the time).
This is my analogy of what it has felt like to go through our adoption. I feel like things got hard and we got through them. But then things got harder and God was like, now you need to push into me, against the pain. It hurts so much when something tough is happening, and it hurts to grow and stretch and learn through the process (especially in areas I don't want to be stretched); but at the end of it all it is way better than if I didn't push. For the moms that I have dealt with that didn't want to push - it made everything much harder and prolonged (for everyone). Pushing into the pain as scary as it is, for most moms actually feels better than not pushing. I think that's the spot that God wants us to be in. A place that hurts, but it would hurt more if I did it by myself, with my selfish ambitions in the forefront. Choosing his will for me, pushing into him when it hurts, and growing into a person I wouldn't be if I hadn't experienced this, makes the experience worthwhile. I often tell women not to waste their contractions because you need to push with them to help that baby move down. In the same way I need to not waste my time in the valley, I need to push into Jesus and learn what he has to teach me. It's in the hard times that we grow the most. And when I've had the days when I put my arms up in the air saying "I can't do this anymore", I have amazing people to encourage me saying "You are doing this, keep going, almost there".
I don't know if this analogy makes sense to you guys as much as it clicks to me. And maybe some of you think childbirth is gross and you didn't want to hear this (I was pretty filtered). And maybe some more of you think it's weird that I'm speaking about my adoption through an analogy about childbirth. I just know that this really spoke to my heart today. As things begin to hurt more and more I'm trying to push into Jesus more and more. Because maybe just like childbirth the most painful part is right before you get to meet your baby for the first time. And as I'm pushing into Jesus, part of my heart says "no, this is too hard", but I am blessed with coaches encouraging me and reminding me that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".
Obviously, our adoption is talking about YEARS in time, not the hours or days of labour, I just really thought this was a good representation of what I feel like, having to push into pain, when the existing pain already feels unbearable. Being stretched in places I maybe didn't want to be stretched. But the end result is the most beautiful thing and I can't wait to see what that looks like God, so bring on the pushing.
Monday, November 10, 2014
I am blessed
Today I am thankful for the things that I have. I am so blessed.
I am thankful for the family and friends that God has placed in my life. That they would love me enough to do life with me without judgement even when it gets messy. I am so blessed to have my family, they speak so much truth into my life and do so in love. And when I'm hurting, like I mentioned on the blog years ago, they crawl into bed and cry with me. This is love. This is friendship. I am blessed.
I am also blessed to be able to witness other people's adoption stories take place. Getting matched, meeting the child, having them in your home. That is such a blessing for me to witness and the excitement within me can hardly be contained. Soon it will be us.
I am so blessed to have an amazing husband, who remains solid and steady when things get tough. Who is always there to make me laugh when I'm crying, and to remind me that God hasn't forgotten about us. He cleans the house when I don't have the energy to do so, and never complains about it or tells me that I should have done these things. I enjoy his company, and he is going to make the best dad to our children. I am so blessed.
I am thankful that God has saved me and that he loves me so much that he continues to stretch me so that I may grow into maturity. I am thankful that he doesn't leave me where I am but continues to challenge me to go deeper. I am thankful that I relate to other people that I wouldn't have before and can truly love them as someone who knows exactly what it feels like to walk the road of infertility and adoption. I am thankful that God has pushed my limits so that I could fully trust him. It's been a long, painful road and the journey is far from over, but it's been worth every step.
I appreciate the journey that we have been on, and even though I am anticipating the end, I know that the timing is going to be perfect and better than anything I could have imagined.
We are so blessed. Thank you for continuing to journey through our adoption process. We love being able to be open with you, and have felt such love and encouragement from all of you! I appreciate all the messages that I have been getting from people reading the blog; your encouraging words mean more than you could ever know. So thanks(and keep them coming)! We love you all.
It's really quite easy to focus on what is going wrong in life, and believe me I know I do this all too quickly. So I want to challenge all of you to think of the things that you are blessed with and what you have to be thankful for. I never thought that I would be thankful for things like infertility… but I'm glad that God has taken us on this ride. We're better because of it.
I am blessed.
I am thankful for the family and friends that God has placed in my life. That they would love me enough to do life with me without judgement even when it gets messy. I am so blessed to have my family, they speak so much truth into my life and do so in love. And when I'm hurting, like I mentioned on the blog years ago, they crawl into bed and cry with me. This is love. This is friendship. I am blessed.
I am also blessed to be able to witness other people's adoption stories take place. Getting matched, meeting the child, having them in your home. That is such a blessing for me to witness and the excitement within me can hardly be contained. Soon it will be us.
I am so blessed to have an amazing husband, who remains solid and steady when things get tough. Who is always there to make me laugh when I'm crying, and to remind me that God hasn't forgotten about us. He cleans the house when I don't have the energy to do so, and never complains about it or tells me that I should have done these things. I enjoy his company, and he is going to make the best dad to our children. I am so blessed.
I am thankful that God has saved me and that he loves me so much that he continues to stretch me so that I may grow into maturity. I am thankful that he doesn't leave me where I am but continues to challenge me to go deeper. I am thankful that I relate to other people that I wouldn't have before and can truly love them as someone who knows exactly what it feels like to walk the road of infertility and adoption. I am thankful that God has pushed my limits so that I could fully trust him. It's been a long, painful road and the journey is far from over, but it's been worth every step.
I appreciate the journey that we have been on, and even though I am anticipating the end, I know that the timing is going to be perfect and better than anything I could have imagined.
We are so blessed. Thank you for continuing to journey through our adoption process. We love being able to be open with you, and have felt such love and encouragement from all of you! I appreciate all the messages that I have been getting from people reading the blog; your encouraging words mean more than you could ever know. So thanks(and keep them coming)! We love you all.
It's really quite easy to focus on what is going wrong in life, and believe me I know I do this all too quickly. So I want to challenge all of you to think of the things that you are blessed with and what you have to be thankful for. I never thought that I would be thankful for things like infertility… but I'm glad that God has taken us on this ride. We're better because of it.
I am blessed.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Change of Heart
When I wrote my most previous post a few weeks ago, I was in a bad place. I was having a hard few weeks and life circumstances were really impacting me more than they should. I was feeling incredibly down and hopeless and like I had been dropped into a hole and forgotten about. So I kind of moped in that for a bit, but thankfully have been brought up out of that.
I had really lost sight of what my purpose in life is, and truthfully my purpose isn't to be a mom. But sometimes my desire to be a mom takes over my life and then when I realize how long I've been trying to become a mom, I get a bit hopeless. Thankfully, God uses these dark times in my life to stretch me and help me grow. Here's how I have grown in the last couple weeks.
Justin and I were getting ready for church a week and a bit ago, and everything was just wrong that morning. My hair looked stupid, I was too fat to wear any nice clothes, I had nothing to wear - it was such a spiritual battle for me to even get to church that morning. But I needed to be there.
Our pastor spoke to my heart that day. My eyes were opened to how completely self centred I was and how my prayers were all about me getting a baby, and getting it NOW! I have since started praying that God would change my heart so that I would be willing to accept whatever HIS will is - even if that means I will never be a mom. For me, this has been such a huge transformation, I feel like my eyes have been opened to how selfish I am. And although I feel like my heart has already changed, it's still a battle within me because I still want my baby to come today, right now. I don't think my desire to be a mother will ever leave, and I do believe that God will make me a mom, but I am trusting that he knows the time that will be the right time. We can't rush his perfect plans, you know.
It was not just me who had a heart to heart with God that day. Justin shared with me that he had been really trying to listen to God's still voice and he heard "I haven't forgotten about you". We feel like we have been forgotten about quite a bit. That was a big encouragement to us.
Justin had also read through the book of Job recently, and he talked about how faithful Job was to God through all his suffering and how easy it would have been for Job to 'curse God and die', but instead he remained faithful and God blessed him so immensely at the end of it all. We don't know the plans God has for us, but he knows the plans he has for us and it's to give us hope and a future.
As someone who isn't very good at 'being still', I have really been focusing on the verse "Be still and know that I am God". And literally all I need to do is be still. Calm my heart. Calm my thoughts. Sleep at night. God's got this. He's God. Be still. Rest in him. This is way harder to do than it sounds. But in the past week or so that's all I've been saying to myself; be still. Because I'm not good at being still I have also found out how horrible I am for living in the moment. I find I'm always rehearsing things in my head or planning for the future. What I've been doing now is telling myself not only to be still, but to also be present. I will never get to live this day again, so why waste it?
This change in how I've been praying has changed my life quite a bit. I have been doing devotionals on nearly a daily basis, which is ridiculous because it has always been a struggle for me to be consistent with this. My heart is changing, and the moment I realized I needed to pray differently, my attitude was not one of hopelessness. It was one of Hope. We have Hope. Jesus is our HOPE!
Because of all this, my last week and a bit have been way better than the last few months have been. I feel more like myself again, which is relieving. But I still struggle with wanting to get my way… So I will continue to perfect the art of being still and being present. God knows the day we will get our babe, and with him on my side, that's all I need.
Continue to pray for us. Pray for our hearts to change and submit to God. Pray for peace and for us to be still. Pray for God's will to be done - not ours.
I had really lost sight of what my purpose in life is, and truthfully my purpose isn't to be a mom. But sometimes my desire to be a mom takes over my life and then when I realize how long I've been trying to become a mom, I get a bit hopeless. Thankfully, God uses these dark times in my life to stretch me and help me grow. Here's how I have grown in the last couple weeks.
Justin and I were getting ready for church a week and a bit ago, and everything was just wrong that morning. My hair looked stupid, I was too fat to wear any nice clothes, I had nothing to wear - it was such a spiritual battle for me to even get to church that morning. But I needed to be there.
Our pastor spoke to my heart that day. My eyes were opened to how completely self centred I was and how my prayers were all about me getting a baby, and getting it NOW! I have since started praying that God would change my heart so that I would be willing to accept whatever HIS will is - even if that means I will never be a mom. For me, this has been such a huge transformation, I feel like my eyes have been opened to how selfish I am. And although I feel like my heart has already changed, it's still a battle within me because I still want my baby to come today, right now. I don't think my desire to be a mother will ever leave, and I do believe that God will make me a mom, but I am trusting that he knows the time that will be the right time. We can't rush his perfect plans, you know.
It was not just me who had a heart to heart with God that day. Justin shared with me that he had been really trying to listen to God's still voice and he heard "I haven't forgotten about you". We feel like we have been forgotten about quite a bit. That was a big encouragement to us.
Justin had also read through the book of Job recently, and he talked about how faithful Job was to God through all his suffering and how easy it would have been for Job to 'curse God and die', but instead he remained faithful and God blessed him so immensely at the end of it all. We don't know the plans God has for us, but he knows the plans he has for us and it's to give us hope and a future.
As someone who isn't very good at 'being still', I have really been focusing on the verse "Be still and know that I am God". And literally all I need to do is be still. Calm my heart. Calm my thoughts. Sleep at night. God's got this. He's God. Be still. Rest in him. This is way harder to do than it sounds. But in the past week or so that's all I've been saying to myself; be still. Because I'm not good at being still I have also found out how horrible I am for living in the moment. I find I'm always rehearsing things in my head or planning for the future. What I've been doing now is telling myself not only to be still, but to also be present. I will never get to live this day again, so why waste it?
This change in how I've been praying has changed my life quite a bit. I have been doing devotionals on nearly a daily basis, which is ridiculous because it has always been a struggle for me to be consistent with this. My heart is changing, and the moment I realized I needed to pray differently, my attitude was not one of hopelessness. It was one of Hope. We have Hope. Jesus is our HOPE!
Because of all this, my last week and a bit have been way better than the last few months have been. I feel more like myself again, which is relieving. But I still struggle with wanting to get my way… So I will continue to perfect the art of being still and being present. God knows the day we will get our babe, and with him on my side, that's all I need.
Continue to pray for us. Pray for our hearts to change and submit to God. Pray for peace and for us to be still. Pray for God's will to be done - not ours.
Friday, October 17, 2014
Just keep waiting...
Well, here I am yet again writing a blog post months after my previous one, because unfortunately I don't have much to say anymore. I'm getting tired, exhausted. I don't think people really know the pain and frustration of waiting until you have to do just that. I have a few thoughts that keep running around in my head lately, so hopefully I don't ramble too much for you.
I've been really trying to "reason" with God lately, in my own throw a good ole' temper tantrum type of manner. I am constantly just telling God that I am so done with this whole thing and at the same time hoping that because I told him that I am done that he would give in to my demands and just give me a child. Unfortunately, (as most parents will agree) giving in to temper tantrums isn't the best form of parenting… so I don't think God will be giving in to my demands. So then I go onto just straight out demanding things like "God I will expect a call from the adoption agency TODAY". Ya, that didn't happen. Once again, God doesn't negotiate with terrorists (me). It's not like I really have anything to threaten him with really… all different methods of me trying to get what I want. And still here I am.
I'm trying to not become just a negative nancy, but I feel like I have a tendency to lean towards the negativity of a situation. And let's be honest I have been overly positive for much more of this experience than I was expecting. And I know it's because I do have hope, but right now I'm starting to feel utterly hopeless.
As I only have a few people that I have been completely real with on a daily basis (Justin and my family), I feel like the smile that I put on for people when they ask how the adoption is going isn't right anymore. I had a lady at work telling me that it must be hard for us to wait when another lady jumped in and said "oh, it's not hard, it's exciting!". Yes, it was exciting, two years ago when I started this process. Now I'm just tired and becoming oh so hopeless. I know it will be exciting, the day that we get to meet our child, but right now we are talking about a day that feels like it's never going to happen… I really think I might just give up and become a crazy dog lady.
I really enjoy my job, but I'm finding that because I had planned to be off on maternity leave like a year or more ago, that some days are just hard. I will be overly emotional about things that don't even matter because I'm just tired and exhausted. I am getting so close to just being done… but I don't know what it would even look like to just straight up give up, because I would then still be childless, and I'm pretty sure that this desire to be a mom isn't going to be fulfilled by large amounts of dogs...
I had so many expectations for our adoption, and that's probably a huge problem with all this. I expected that we would wait maybe six months and then we would have a baby. I expected that anyone who read our profile would love us, because we are fun, awesome people who just want to love a child. I expected to be done waiting by now. I expected that it wouldn't be this hard. I expected that people would have more understanding of how painful this process is, especially friends. I expected understanding from friends, but somehow managed to alienate them. I expected that I would have kids by now.
Because I think my expectations are a big part of why this is so hard (Justin does amazing because he has no expectations, he just trusts that everything will happen when it's right. Psh, what does he know?) I am trying to adjust my expectations to not having expectations. But now new expectations are arising. I'm expecting 2014 to be a write off, we will not have children this year. I'm expecting every other person in the world - adopting or not - to have children before I do, because that is how things seem to go. I'm expecting that I won't be able to mentally do this much longer. I'm expecting that I will give up because I feel like I have nothing left in me to give. But even with all my negative expectations… I still am in tears thinking of the moment that I get the call, the moment I get to meet my child for the first time, the moment my family gets to meet them. I guess that tiny bit of hope and excitement that I get just thinking about those moments, that's why I'm still going. Because that day is bound to happen sometime soon, isn't it?
I've been really trying to "reason" with God lately, in my own throw a good ole' temper tantrum type of manner. I am constantly just telling God that I am so done with this whole thing and at the same time hoping that because I told him that I am done that he would give in to my demands and just give me a child. Unfortunately, (as most parents will agree) giving in to temper tantrums isn't the best form of parenting… so I don't think God will be giving in to my demands. So then I go onto just straight out demanding things like "God I will expect a call from the adoption agency TODAY". Ya, that didn't happen. Once again, God doesn't negotiate with terrorists (me). It's not like I really have anything to threaten him with really… all different methods of me trying to get what I want. And still here I am.
I'm trying to not become just a negative nancy, but I feel like I have a tendency to lean towards the negativity of a situation. And let's be honest I have been overly positive for much more of this experience than I was expecting. And I know it's because I do have hope, but right now I'm starting to feel utterly hopeless.
As I only have a few people that I have been completely real with on a daily basis (Justin and my family), I feel like the smile that I put on for people when they ask how the adoption is going isn't right anymore. I had a lady at work telling me that it must be hard for us to wait when another lady jumped in and said "oh, it's not hard, it's exciting!". Yes, it was exciting, two years ago when I started this process. Now I'm just tired and becoming oh so hopeless. I know it will be exciting, the day that we get to meet our child, but right now we are talking about a day that feels like it's never going to happen… I really think I might just give up and become a crazy dog lady.
I really enjoy my job, but I'm finding that because I had planned to be off on maternity leave like a year or more ago, that some days are just hard. I will be overly emotional about things that don't even matter because I'm just tired and exhausted. I am getting so close to just being done… but I don't know what it would even look like to just straight up give up, because I would then still be childless, and I'm pretty sure that this desire to be a mom isn't going to be fulfilled by large amounts of dogs...
I had so many expectations for our adoption, and that's probably a huge problem with all this. I expected that we would wait maybe six months and then we would have a baby. I expected that anyone who read our profile would love us, because we are fun, awesome people who just want to love a child. I expected to be done waiting by now. I expected that it wouldn't be this hard. I expected that people would have more understanding of how painful this process is, especially friends. I expected understanding from friends, but somehow managed to alienate them. I expected that I would have kids by now.
Because I think my expectations are a big part of why this is so hard (Justin does amazing because he has no expectations, he just trusts that everything will happen when it's right. Psh, what does he know?) I am trying to adjust my expectations to not having expectations. But now new expectations are arising. I'm expecting 2014 to be a write off, we will not have children this year. I'm expecting every other person in the world - adopting or not - to have children before I do, because that is how things seem to go. I'm expecting that I won't be able to mentally do this much longer. I'm expecting that I will give up because I feel like I have nothing left in me to give. But even with all my negative expectations… I still am in tears thinking of the moment that I get the call, the moment I get to meet my child for the first time, the moment my family gets to meet them. I guess that tiny bit of hope and excitement that I get just thinking about those moments, that's why I'm still going. Because that day is bound to happen sometime soon, isn't it?
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Life Lately….
Hey everyone it has been such a long time since I posted, so I thought I would give a bit of an update. Justin and I just got home yesterday from our 3.5 week long trip to Australia. We were blessed to be able to go there to stand up in my brother's wedding. He married an amazing Aussie and they will be starting their marriage off in Canada. The day was so beautiful and I loved being able to be there! We had a great holiday and are just trying to readjust from all the jet lag (yay 16 hour time difference, NOT).
In the meantime our adoption still feels like it's going nowhere. We have been waiting since January and haven't heard anything yet. The most frustrating part for me is that I honestly expected to be chosen by now, and we haven't. It's hard to learn to have absolutely no expectations… but remain hopeful at the same time, which unfortunately isn't very easy.
As we enter different stages in our adoption process I am surprised by all the different emotions that have come up. Some have surprised me, some I kind of expected. Here are the things I have been experiencing lately.
As I have healed through the process of our infertility I have moved past being able to handle pregnant people, like I work on labour and birth so I obviously am able to be around people having babies. What I am finding really difficult is the people who were having babies when our process started that are now having more babies. I feel like they are so greedy, having all the babies, and I'm just waiting-still.
Another thing that both Justin and I are experiencing is just a bit of frustration. Our home study expires October 3rd, so we need to have an updated home study to the agency by then or we are put on hold. So we start our home study next week. I'm thinking that the home study shouldn't be as bad as the last one, but we were a bit stressed during our home study last time. Please keep us in our prayers, I again had the expectation that we wouldn't need to do a home study update.
The last and newest thing that I have been having troubles with is hearing people complaining about their kids or watching how angry people get with their kids. I know that being a parent will be stressful, and everyone has their moments, but I would love to have a sleepless night with my baby. I would love to have a child to discipline. It's so easy to take things for granted like your kids, especially when you don't know the pain of not being able to have them. So please, stop complaining about your kids via Facebook or by mouth and just be thankful that you have that little person to love, because you aren't getting any sympathy from me.
Please continue to pray for us as we start our home study update next week. Also pray for continued peace and patience as we trust in God's timing. Also pray that God's timing is soon! I am thankful that we were able to have another trip to ourselves, we are feeling refreshed, although rather jet lagged. Thank you so much for following our story, and hopefully soon we will have news to share with you all!
In the meantime our adoption still feels like it's going nowhere. We have been waiting since January and haven't heard anything yet. The most frustrating part for me is that I honestly expected to be chosen by now, and we haven't. It's hard to learn to have absolutely no expectations… but remain hopeful at the same time, which unfortunately isn't very easy.
As we enter different stages in our adoption process I am surprised by all the different emotions that have come up. Some have surprised me, some I kind of expected. Here are the things I have been experiencing lately.
As I have healed through the process of our infertility I have moved past being able to handle pregnant people, like I work on labour and birth so I obviously am able to be around people having babies. What I am finding really difficult is the people who were having babies when our process started that are now having more babies. I feel like they are so greedy, having all the babies, and I'm just waiting-still.
Another thing that both Justin and I are experiencing is just a bit of frustration. Our home study expires October 3rd, so we need to have an updated home study to the agency by then or we are put on hold. So we start our home study next week. I'm thinking that the home study shouldn't be as bad as the last one, but we were a bit stressed during our home study last time. Please keep us in our prayers, I again had the expectation that we wouldn't need to do a home study update.
The last and newest thing that I have been having troubles with is hearing people complaining about their kids or watching how angry people get with their kids. I know that being a parent will be stressful, and everyone has their moments, but I would love to have a sleepless night with my baby. I would love to have a child to discipline. It's so easy to take things for granted like your kids, especially when you don't know the pain of not being able to have them. So please, stop complaining about your kids via Facebook or by mouth and just be thankful that you have that little person to love, because you aren't getting any sympathy from me.
Please continue to pray for us as we start our home study update next week. Also pray for continued peace and patience as we trust in God's timing. Also pray that God's timing is soon! I am thankful that we were able to have another trip to ourselves, we are feeling refreshed, although rather jet lagged. Thank you so much for following our story, and hopefully soon we will have news to share with you all!
Monday, June 9, 2014
Don't trust your feelings
So lately I've been trying to adjust my attitude, and while doing so I've realized that I have gotten out of the habit of taking my thoughts captive. As a person who grew up in a Christian home, I have been familiar with the verse in 2 Corinthians forever, but only gained understanding of what it truly means a few years ago.
A few years ago, I was full of anger, resentment and bitterness and in an attempt to get my life and relationship with God back on track I started meeting with a spiritual mentor. She is wonderful and has helped grow in my walk with God significantly. It was through one of the studies that we did that I learned what taking my thoughts captive meant. The world is full of lies. Full of things that try to distract us and try to deceive our minds. Taking our thoughts captive means catching those lies that are running around in your head and lining them up with what the Bible says. If they don't match, then obviously that is a lie. From there we are to renounce the lie that we have been believing and announce the truth of God's word.
I've been out of practice lately, which has probably allowed my attitude to shift into such negativity. I'm constantly saying things like "our baby is never going to get here" or "God has forgotten about us". These are obviously not true, but the problem is I FEEL like they are. Unfortunately for us, our feelings make us think that something is true because we feel all the hurt and pain from whatever is happening in our life. The dilemma is that our feelings aren't necessarily an accurate portrayal of the truth. Our feelings are incredibly real and matter, however we need to give our feelings some significant adjustments on occasion as well. Like my mentor always tells me, take your thoughts captive by recognizing the lie you believe, replace it with God's truth and your feelings will catch up later.
I've been putting my feelings and the lies that I have floating around in check. God hasn't forgotten about me, everything he does is in His perfect timing, and right now I need to wait. Our baby will come - again in God's timing. God isn't punishing us with infertility for something we did in the past, He loves us and wants us to have complete dependence and trust in him.
I've already been putting these skills back into practice and have been noticing the shift in my attitude. Justin is also a great person to have around as he constantly saying to me "Charissa, you are believing a lie", he is good at giving me a reality check when I need it. So I am now waiting, with a better attitude, believing God's truth and just waiting for my feelings to catch up.
2 Corinthians 10:3-5
"For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ".
A few years ago, I was full of anger, resentment and bitterness and in an attempt to get my life and relationship with God back on track I started meeting with a spiritual mentor. She is wonderful and has helped grow in my walk with God significantly. It was through one of the studies that we did that I learned what taking my thoughts captive meant. The world is full of lies. Full of things that try to distract us and try to deceive our minds. Taking our thoughts captive means catching those lies that are running around in your head and lining them up with what the Bible says. If they don't match, then obviously that is a lie. From there we are to renounce the lie that we have been believing and announce the truth of God's word.
I've been out of practice lately, which has probably allowed my attitude to shift into such negativity. I'm constantly saying things like "our baby is never going to get here" or "God has forgotten about us". These are obviously not true, but the problem is I FEEL like they are. Unfortunately for us, our feelings make us think that something is true because we feel all the hurt and pain from whatever is happening in our life. The dilemma is that our feelings aren't necessarily an accurate portrayal of the truth. Our feelings are incredibly real and matter, however we need to give our feelings some significant adjustments on occasion as well. Like my mentor always tells me, take your thoughts captive by recognizing the lie you believe, replace it with God's truth and your feelings will catch up later.
I've been putting my feelings and the lies that I have floating around in check. God hasn't forgotten about me, everything he does is in His perfect timing, and right now I need to wait. Our baby will come - again in God's timing. God isn't punishing us with infertility for something we did in the past, He loves us and wants us to have complete dependence and trust in him.
I've already been putting these skills back into practice and have been noticing the shift in my attitude. Justin is also a great person to have around as he constantly saying to me "Charissa, you are believing a lie", he is good at giving me a reality check when I need it. So I am now waiting, with a better attitude, believing God's truth and just waiting for my feelings to catch up.
2 Corinthians 10:3-5
"For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ".
Monday, June 2, 2014
Attitude Adjustment
Hey everyone, I've been trying to get consistent in my blogging but it seems like I do a couple and then completely forget, so here's a bit of an update blog.
Mother's day happened in May, and I think that was kinda sucky. I remember last year on Mother's day, I was hoping that Mother's day 2014 would be a day that I was actually a Mother. And here we are a few weeks later, still no baby…. I think the hardest thing for me, is not being jealous of people having babies - it's being jealous of people that will have 2 - 3 kids in the time it will take us to get our baby. There are people I know that are pregnant for the second time since we started our adoption process, I find that hard. Almost like people are hogging the babies… only I know they aren't. Once again, it's hard to stand still while everyone else doesn't.
I have been in a really low place in the last few months. Feeling like all my hope is gone, not wanting to leave my house, see people or really do anything. But at the same time, I hassle Justin that we never do anything and that I want to do stuff, but when it comes down to it, I really don't. What a weird place to be. As mentioned before, I don't feel depressed, I just feel really discouraged and quite hopeless on a lot of days. Because of this I have been having the worst attitude, and God has really convicted me of this in the past week or so.
As I have been trying to adjust my attitude, to stop feeling sorry for myself and mope in my hopelessness - I have been diving into a book of the bible that I find very encouraging when I get like this. The book of James.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." James 1:2-5.
I have been lacking peace, and patience. So I have been asking God for these things, but at the same time I know patience is developed by waiting. So here I am, continuing to wait, but hoping to do it with a better attitude. I am also lacking children, so I will continue to pray that God will end our wait soon.
Life throws a lot of hard times our way, it's part of living. I'm making a choice to do it with a better attitude. One that clings to the truth that God's timing is always perfect, and the match that he has for us is the best one ever. So in the mean time, I'm trying to be full of hope, because in Jesus, there is nothing but hope. And he's got my back.
Mother's day happened in May, and I think that was kinda sucky. I remember last year on Mother's day, I was hoping that Mother's day 2014 would be a day that I was actually a Mother. And here we are a few weeks later, still no baby…. I think the hardest thing for me, is not being jealous of people having babies - it's being jealous of people that will have 2 - 3 kids in the time it will take us to get our baby. There are people I know that are pregnant for the second time since we started our adoption process, I find that hard. Almost like people are hogging the babies… only I know they aren't. Once again, it's hard to stand still while everyone else doesn't.
I have been in a really low place in the last few months. Feeling like all my hope is gone, not wanting to leave my house, see people or really do anything. But at the same time, I hassle Justin that we never do anything and that I want to do stuff, but when it comes down to it, I really don't. What a weird place to be. As mentioned before, I don't feel depressed, I just feel really discouraged and quite hopeless on a lot of days. Because of this I have been having the worst attitude, and God has really convicted me of this in the past week or so.
As I have been trying to adjust my attitude, to stop feeling sorry for myself and mope in my hopelessness - I have been diving into a book of the bible that I find very encouraging when I get like this. The book of James.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." James 1:2-5.
I have been lacking peace, and patience. So I have been asking God for these things, but at the same time I know patience is developed by waiting. So here I am, continuing to wait, but hoping to do it with a better attitude. I am also lacking children, so I will continue to pray that God will end our wait soon.
Life throws a lot of hard times our way, it's part of living. I'm making a choice to do it with a better attitude. One that clings to the truth that God's timing is always perfect, and the match that he has for us is the best one ever. So in the mean time, I'm trying to be full of hope, because in Jesus, there is nothing but hope. And he's got my back.
Friday, May 2, 2014
The diseased label of "Infertility"
Everyone has been constantly telling me how strong Justin and I are, to be able to share our experiences so openly. And that's honestly just who I am, and I'm thankful that I have been able to share it with you. I can't imagine going through this in the dark. But honestly that is a reality for many people who struggle with infertility, and I totally get why they choose to do it that way.
Putting aside all the comments that people say that are clearly not thought through, or the just plain ignorance or stupidity of people, many choose to go through infertility quietly so they aren't put under a label. No one wants to have the giant label of sterility across their foreheads, but sometimes it feels like it's permanently there. It becomes something you pity, or whisper to your friend: "see that couple, they can't have kids, it's so sad…". And even though you don't say these things directly to our faces (ok sometimes people do), we feel it. It comes across in the way you treat us. When I'm having a bad week and don't want to see anyone - it's ok. I'm not depressed. I'm still myself and having to grieve through some stuff. Also if I do see you, I don't need to be asked a very sad "so how are you doing, really?" If you genuinely ask me how I'm doing, without the sad face, I'll still tell you if I'm doing great or if I'm down in an unmentionable hole; I'm open enough to be honest.
Somedays I feel almost like I have a disease. People who are usually good friends to us seem to be tip toeing around us like we are fragile cracked china who will crumble into a thousand pieces if someone speaks louder than a whisper. This is not so. We are getting worn down through this process, yes, but we are still us. We can still laugh and joke about things, we are still ourselves. We need people who will keep treating us like us, because it's just awkward when you change on us like that.
There is a difference, however, in being sensitive to someone's feelings and treating them like they are about to break. I have appreciated when people ask if a subject of conversation is bothering me, most of the time it isn't. But thanks for the consideration.
I really want to just challenge everyone to be real with people. Be real with us, and others that are experiencing something similar. Don't tip toe around us, we wear big girl panties, we can take it. Try as hard as you can not to place that giant label on someone's forehead, it makes us feel a bit outcasted. And the truth of the matter is that the rate of infertility is continually on the rise. It would freak you out to know how many people have trouble getting pregnant, and the majority of these are young healthy people. Soon there will be more of us than you, haha, just joking, I really hope that never happens. But for reals, be real with people, understand there is a grieving process and that we sometimes just need some space.
Putting aside all the comments that people say that are clearly not thought through, or the just plain ignorance or stupidity of people, many choose to go through infertility quietly so they aren't put under a label. No one wants to have the giant label of sterility across their foreheads, but sometimes it feels like it's permanently there. It becomes something you pity, or whisper to your friend: "see that couple, they can't have kids, it's so sad…". And even though you don't say these things directly to our faces (ok sometimes people do), we feel it. It comes across in the way you treat us. When I'm having a bad week and don't want to see anyone - it's ok. I'm not depressed. I'm still myself and having to grieve through some stuff. Also if I do see you, I don't need to be asked a very sad "so how are you doing, really?" If you genuinely ask me how I'm doing, without the sad face, I'll still tell you if I'm doing great or if I'm down in an unmentionable hole; I'm open enough to be honest.
Somedays I feel almost like I have a disease. People who are usually good friends to us seem to be tip toeing around us like we are fragile cracked china who will crumble into a thousand pieces if someone speaks louder than a whisper. This is not so. We are getting worn down through this process, yes, but we are still us. We can still laugh and joke about things, we are still ourselves. We need people who will keep treating us like us, because it's just awkward when you change on us like that.
There is a difference, however, in being sensitive to someone's feelings and treating them like they are about to break. I have appreciated when people ask if a subject of conversation is bothering me, most of the time it isn't. But thanks for the consideration.
I really want to just challenge everyone to be real with people. Be real with us, and others that are experiencing something similar. Don't tip toe around us, we wear big girl panties, we can take it. Try as hard as you can not to place that giant label on someone's forehead, it makes us feel a bit outcasted. And the truth of the matter is that the rate of infertility is continually on the rise. It would freak you out to know how many people have trouble getting pregnant, and the majority of these are young healthy people. Soon there will be more of us than you, haha, just joking, I really hope that never happens. But for reals, be real with people, understand there is a grieving process and that we sometimes just need some space.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Standing still
Hey everyone, sorry for the lack of updates on here, I will explain why there has been a lack of posts in this blog.
Every week Justin and I are constantly asked "So have you heard anything yet". To which I'm really wanting to tell people "Yes, here is my invisible child (insert name here)"(LOL). I totally get that people are wanting to know where we are at, but where we are at is honestly the most incredibly difficult thing right now.
We are the same. We are in the exact same spot we were in since January. We are waiting, anxiously. Nothing is changing. Everything is the same. That's the hardest part - that everything - the circumstances, our feelings - stay the same. We know we have no control over this, we know that our God is bigger than this and has all this in His control; His timing will be perfect, but right now it doesn't feel perfect. Right now it hurts. It's hard to stand still as the rest of the world moves at it's ridiculously fast pace around you.
I just want to ask a few things of you guys, because we have had some experiences lately that have made everything that much harder. Firstly: if we come to you asking for prayer please just pray for us. I have unfortunately experienced getting lectured and preached at, which has completely turned me off to asking for prayer. So please, just pray. We would appreciate keeping your "wisdom" to yourself. We have close friends and family who offer us truth and love, so please just pray and keep your thoughts to yourself.
Secondly, I don't mind people asking us how we are doing with the adoption and where we are at with it all, but the question of whether we have heard anything is getting old. I do want to reassure you guys that if and when (it could be another year down the road) we hear something, we will be so flipping excited that everyone on this planet will hear it too. So please, if you can refrain from asking, do. It makes feeling like we are standing absolutely still so much harder when everyone reminds you several times a day that you are standing still.
I never imagined that waiting would be this hard, but it is. Both Justin and I are really beginning to be worn down emotionally, and I know for me it's starting to creep into me physically as well. I haven't really been sleeping well, which is probably a combination of the adoption and working shift work. So please pray for that.
Justin has really been realizing how this is always going to be a struggle for us. That having a family will never come easily. It won't be an "oops, we're pregnant", although I so wish that could happen. We believe in miracles, but haven't felt at all that God will be granting us this one. So we are facing some battles within ourselves, looking at what seems to be an incredibly long road ahead of us. It's rather daunting, and extremely discouraging.
Please please please pray for us. Pray for strength in every day, every moment. Pray for the truth to resound in our hearts and minds. Pray for God to be vocal in our lives. Pray that babies come, and that they come soon. Pray for peace. Pray for rest.
We thank you all for the love and support that you show us. Please continue to pray for us as we struggle to stand still while the world runs laps around us.
Every week Justin and I are constantly asked "So have you heard anything yet". To which I'm really wanting to tell people "Yes, here is my invisible child (insert name here)"(LOL). I totally get that people are wanting to know where we are at, but where we are at is honestly the most incredibly difficult thing right now.
We are the same. We are in the exact same spot we were in since January. We are waiting, anxiously. Nothing is changing. Everything is the same. That's the hardest part - that everything - the circumstances, our feelings - stay the same. We know we have no control over this, we know that our God is bigger than this and has all this in His control; His timing will be perfect, but right now it doesn't feel perfect. Right now it hurts. It's hard to stand still as the rest of the world moves at it's ridiculously fast pace around you.
I just want to ask a few things of you guys, because we have had some experiences lately that have made everything that much harder. Firstly: if we come to you asking for prayer please just pray for us. I have unfortunately experienced getting lectured and preached at, which has completely turned me off to asking for prayer. So please, just pray. We would appreciate keeping your "wisdom" to yourself. We have close friends and family who offer us truth and love, so please just pray and keep your thoughts to yourself.
Secondly, I don't mind people asking us how we are doing with the adoption and where we are at with it all, but the question of whether we have heard anything is getting old. I do want to reassure you guys that if and when (it could be another year down the road) we hear something, we will be so flipping excited that everyone on this planet will hear it too. So please, if you can refrain from asking, do. It makes feeling like we are standing absolutely still so much harder when everyone reminds you several times a day that you are standing still.
I never imagined that waiting would be this hard, but it is. Both Justin and I are really beginning to be worn down emotionally, and I know for me it's starting to creep into me physically as well. I haven't really been sleeping well, which is probably a combination of the adoption and working shift work. So please pray for that.
Justin has really been realizing how this is always going to be a struggle for us. That having a family will never come easily. It won't be an "oops, we're pregnant", although I so wish that could happen. We believe in miracles, but haven't felt at all that God will be granting us this one. So we are facing some battles within ourselves, looking at what seems to be an incredibly long road ahead of us. It's rather daunting, and extremely discouraging.
Please please please pray for us. Pray for strength in every day, every moment. Pray for the truth to resound in our hearts and minds. Pray for God to be vocal in our lives. Pray that babies come, and that they come soon. Pray for peace. Pray for rest.
We thank you all for the love and support that you show us. Please continue to pray for us as we struggle to stand still while the world runs laps around us.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Laser Tag 'Fun'draiser
Hey Everyone, just wanted to make an announcement about our next fundraiser.
What: Laser tag All nighter
When: March 7, 2014 11Pm until 5AM (need to be there at 10:40PM)
Where: Laser Quest, 10 Hesse Bay Regina, SK
Cost: $50
So this event is going to be a ton of fun! Anyone over the age of 5 can come (assuming they can stay awake)! We will be providing some snack food - chips and drinks. The night will be full of awesome, laser tagging adventures! Hope to see you there!! Tickets are available through Justin/Charissa Jaarsma, Kristin Woolhead and you can also purchase your spot at laser quest!
For those of you who aren't into laser tag, we will be planning a steak night soon, so no worries if you need to sit this one out!
Looking forward to seeing you guys there!
What: Laser tag All nighter
When: March 7, 2014 11Pm until 5AM (need to be there at 10:40PM)
Where: Laser Quest, 10 Hesse Bay Regina, SK
Cost: $50
So this event is going to be a ton of fun! Anyone over the age of 5 can come (assuming they can stay awake)! We will be providing some snack food - chips and drinks. The night will be full of awesome, laser tagging adventures! Hope to see you there!! Tickets are available through Justin/Charissa Jaarsma, Kristin Woolhead and you can also purchase your spot at laser quest!
For those of you who aren't into laser tag, we will be planning a steak night soon, so no worries if you need to sit this one out!
Looking forward to seeing you guys there!
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Baby, come soon.
I have always been a very impatient person. I want things now, I don't want to wait unnecessarily for them. I feel like my years of praying for patience have now been thrown into this adoption process, and I really just wish that I didn't have to learn patience by waiting, because I'm starting to become impatient. Ok, the truth is I'm past the point of impatience.
It's funny how different forms of waiting can completely change what's going on. Two weeks ago we were not actively waiting. We were waiting to get onto a list where we would wait some more, but could at any moment become parents. I so looked forward to the day we would be active. Well that day has come and gone - we were active as of last week, which is exciting, but I don't understand how knowing that I am on a different list has changed so much within in me in such a short amount of time.
I am having a really hard time waiting. The fact that someone could just pick up the phone and be like "hey, do you want this baby?" excites me, but at the same time I find myself more hopeless than I have been in a long time. I get to the point where I am so excited that it could happen soon (and I think we are going to be great parents- so why wouldn't anyone pick us after looking at our profile?) that I expect every call to be from the agency. All those weird telemarketer numbers - I get disappointed when it isn't the agency. Messages on the answering machine - it's just work wanting to know if I can work again. And already I find myself in a place where I get too hopeful, that I end up frustrated, sad, hurt and even more impatient in the end. It's not right for me to expect that I get chosen one day off the wait list, but it's not going to be an eternity either, even though it feels like it now.
People mean well - they really do. And I probably do a good job at hiding how hard actively waiting has been on me, but I told Justin the other day that I wish people would stop asking me about it. You asked me last week if we have heard anything - it's been one week… still nothing has changed. Remember when I said it is slow and takes time… ya we are still in that slowness. And it's hard when everyone is constantly asking "any news, any news?". Well I just want to suggest something to you. Do you think that I will be able to contain my excitement when we are matched with a child? The answer is no. I'm pretty sure every person in existence will know about our baby, that will be such a wonderful day.
I don't want to discourage you guys from asking about our adoption, because it is good for me to talk about it. I'm just having a hard time with this active waiting stuff - hoping it won't be too long. I feel like I almost can't plan my life because "when are the babies going to come?" Well, I sure hope it's soon, because the inside of my head isn't a great place to be so far in this time of actively waiting.
Who knew that being on a different list could make my waiting so much different and harder- but in the meantime I'm starting some nesting - just bought a whole bunch of cloth diapers the other day. We will be ready when that baby comes… and please baby, come soon.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
2013 in review, forward into 2014!
Hello Everyone!
As we have jumped forward into the new year I just wanted to take some time and reflect on the past year and where we have come. This past year was a hard year for both Justin and I, but we have been stretched and truly changed by everything that has happened. We have been so blessed by the amazing love and support that has come from you through encouraging words, actions and finances. We again want to say thank you, for all you have done for us! We are nearly at $19,000 raised because of you! We have only felt love through this time and are so grateful for all of you!
Onward to the future. I received an email last week from our agency, stating that we would be removed from the wait list this week and put on the active list! Our worker said she would send out an email when that occurred, which hasn't happened yet, but I'm sure it will today or tomorrow. So we will be actually waiting soon. Just to clarify, when we applied to our agency, we were put on a wait list (not thee wait list but a wait list). When on the wait list you are just waiting for nothing, your profile doesn't get shown, you wait to be put on the active list. When we are on the active list - by the end of this week! - We could get a phone call at any time telling us that we have been matched to a pregnant mom, or a baby that has already been born. I tear up thinking that this is the next step for us, I'm truly so ridiculously excited!! So the agency will be showing our profile to pregnant moms and it's nice to know that at least we are getting out there and hopefully someone thinks we are awesome enough to raise their child(ren).
As we have dove head first into a new year, we look forward to getting that call telling us we are matched, hearing that our baby has been born, adoption papers signed, flying down to meet our little one(s) and bringing them home. I am confident that 2014 is going to be the best year ever because I will get to become a mom!
In the meantime I get to snuggle babies at work, and my sister also just had a baby two days ago! My beautiful new nephew - Judah - will be receiving a ton of aunty snuggles, as expected.
2014 has already been a great year, becoming active on the wait list, and a new nephew, I can't wait to see what else is going to happen in 2014!
As we have jumped forward into the new year I just wanted to take some time and reflect on the past year and where we have come. This past year was a hard year for both Justin and I, but we have been stretched and truly changed by everything that has happened. We have been so blessed by the amazing love and support that has come from you through encouraging words, actions and finances. We again want to say thank you, for all you have done for us! We are nearly at $19,000 raised because of you! We have only felt love through this time and are so grateful for all of you!
Onward to the future. I received an email last week from our agency, stating that we would be removed from the wait list this week and put on the active list! Our worker said she would send out an email when that occurred, which hasn't happened yet, but I'm sure it will today or tomorrow. So we will be actually waiting soon. Just to clarify, when we applied to our agency, we were put on a wait list (not thee wait list but a wait list). When on the wait list you are just waiting for nothing, your profile doesn't get shown, you wait to be put on the active list. When we are on the active list - by the end of this week! - We could get a phone call at any time telling us that we have been matched to a pregnant mom, or a baby that has already been born. I tear up thinking that this is the next step for us, I'm truly so ridiculously excited!! So the agency will be showing our profile to pregnant moms and it's nice to know that at least we are getting out there and hopefully someone thinks we are awesome enough to raise their child(ren).
As we have dove head first into a new year, we look forward to getting that call telling us we are matched, hearing that our baby has been born, adoption papers signed, flying down to meet our little one(s) and bringing them home. I am confident that 2014 is going to be the best year ever because I will get to become a mom!
In the meantime I get to snuggle babies at work, and my sister also just had a baby two days ago! My beautiful new nephew - Judah - will be receiving a ton of aunty snuggles, as expected.
2014 has already been a great year, becoming active on the wait list, and a new nephew, I can't wait to see what else is going to happen in 2014!
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