Baby, come soon.

I have always been a very impatient person. I want things now, I don't want to wait unnecessarily for them. I feel like my years of praying for patience have now been thrown into this adoption process, and I really just wish that I didn't have to learn patience by waiting, because I'm starting to become impatient. Ok, the truth is I'm past the point of impatience.

It's funny how different forms of waiting can completely change what's going on. Two weeks ago we were not actively waiting. We were waiting to get onto a list where we would wait some more, but could at any moment become parents. I so looked forward to the day we would be active. Well that day has come and gone - we were active as of last week, which is exciting, but I don't understand how knowing that I am on a different list has changed so much within in me in such a short amount of time.

I am having a really hard time waiting. The fact that someone could just pick up the phone and be like "hey, do you want this baby?" excites me, but at the same time I find myself more hopeless than I have been in a long time. I get to the point where I am so excited that it could happen soon (and I think we are going to be great parents- so why wouldn't anyone pick us after looking at our profile?) that I expect every call to be from the agency. All those weird telemarketer numbers - I get disappointed when it isn't the agency. Messages on the answering machine - it's just work wanting to know if I can work again. And already I find myself in a place where I get too hopeful, that I end up frustrated, sad, hurt and even more impatient in the end. It's not right for me to expect that I get chosen one day off the wait list, but it's not going to be an eternity either, even though it feels like it now.

People mean well - they really do. And I probably do a good job at hiding how hard actively waiting has been on me, but I told Justin the other day that I wish people would stop asking me about it. You asked me last week if we have heard anything - it's been one week… still nothing has changed. Remember when I said it is slow and takes time… ya we are still in that slowness. And it's hard when everyone is constantly asking "any news, any news?". Well I just want to suggest something to you. Do you think that I will be able to contain my excitement when we are matched with a child? The answer is no. I'm pretty sure every person in existence will know about our baby, that will be such a wonderful day.

I don't want to discourage you guys from asking about our adoption, because it is good for me to talk about it. I'm just having a hard time with this active waiting stuff - hoping it won't be too long. I feel like I almost can't plan my life because "when are the babies going to come?" Well, I sure hope it's soon, because the inside of my head isn't a great place to be so far in this time of actively waiting.

Who knew that being on a different list could make my waiting so much different and harder- but in the meantime I'm starting some nesting - just bought a whole bunch of cloth diapers the other day. We will be ready when that baby comes… and please baby, come soon.