When I wrote my most previous post a few weeks ago, I was in a bad place. I was having a hard few weeks and life circumstances were really impacting me more than they should. I was feeling incredibly down and hopeless and like I had been dropped into a hole and forgotten about. So I kind of moped in that for a bit, but thankfully have been brought up out of that.
I had really lost sight of what my purpose in life is, and truthfully my purpose isn't to be a mom. But sometimes my desire to be a mom takes over my life and then when I realize how long I've been trying to become a mom, I get a bit hopeless. Thankfully, God uses these dark times in my life to stretch me and help me grow. Here's how I have grown in the last couple weeks.
Justin and I were getting ready for church a week and a bit ago, and everything was just wrong that morning. My hair looked stupid, I was too fat to wear any nice clothes, I had nothing to wear - it was such a spiritual battle for me to even get to church that morning. But I needed to be there.
Our pastor spoke to my heart that day. My eyes were opened to how completely self centred I was and how my prayers were all about me getting a baby, and getting it NOW! I have since started praying that God would change my heart so that I would be willing to accept whatever HIS will is - even if that means I will never be a mom. For me, this has been such a huge transformation, I feel like my eyes have been opened to how selfish I am. And although I feel like my heart has already changed, it's still a battle within me because I still want my baby to come today, right now. I don't think my desire to be a mother will ever leave, and I do believe that God will make me a mom, but I am trusting that he knows the time that will be the right time. We can't rush his perfect plans, you know.
It was not just me who had a heart to heart with God that day. Justin shared with me that he had been really trying to listen to God's still voice and he heard "I haven't forgotten about you". We feel like we have been forgotten about quite a bit. That was a big encouragement to us.
Justin had also read through the book of Job recently, and he talked about how faithful Job was to God through all his suffering and how easy it would have been for Job to 'curse God and die', but instead he remained faithful and God blessed him so immensely at the end of it all. We don't know the plans God has for us, but he knows the plans he has for us and it's to give us hope and a future.
As someone who isn't very good at 'being still', I have really been focusing on the verse "Be still and know that I am God". And literally all I need to do is be still. Calm my heart. Calm my thoughts. Sleep at night. God's got this. He's God. Be still. Rest in him. This is way harder to do than it sounds. But in the past week or so that's all I've been saying to myself; be still. Because I'm not good at being still I have also found out how horrible I am for living in the moment. I find I'm always rehearsing things in my head or planning for the future. What I've been doing now is telling myself not only to be still, but to also be present. I will never get to live this day again, so why waste it?
This change in how I've been praying has changed my life quite a bit. I have been doing devotionals on nearly a daily basis, which is ridiculous because it has always been a struggle for me to be consistent with this. My heart is changing, and the moment I realized I needed to pray differently, my attitude was not one of hopelessness. It was one of Hope. We have Hope. Jesus is our HOPE!
Because of all this, my last week and a bit have been way better than the last few months have been. I feel more like myself again, which is relieving. But I still struggle with wanting to get my way… So I will continue to perfect the art of being still and being present. God knows the day we will get our babe, and with him on my side, that's all I need.
Continue to pray for us. Pray for our hearts to change and submit to God. Pray for peace and for us to be still. Pray for God's will to be done - not ours.
Charissa, it's such a privilege to watch you grow in your walk with Jesus! I appreciate your honesty in describing how you are really feeling and as you take your thoughts and feelings to God, it is neat to hear how He has been able to meet you there and give you such new and fresh insights, not only about yourself but about the world around you. As you practise "being there" and enjoying what God has given you right now, instead of focusing on what you are waiting for in the future, I know you will experience many blessings. God bless you both as you travel down this journey together and grow into the godly couple you were meant to be. I for one am cheering for you from the sidelines and rejoicing with you as you overcome every struggle that comes your way. Keep close to Jesus and He will give you grace for each moment of every day. Love and prayers, Tina
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