Ouch.

There are so many ways that this adoption has changed our lives and our hearts. Some of them are pretty obvious and easy to see, a lot I have shared with you all on the blog. One thing though that has surprised me in this experience, is how our hard time has really revealed to us who the people are that we can trust. We have had such an amazing experience in that we have received love from people we never expected it from. And at the same time we have received the complete opposite from people that we were expecting to love us. It's just weird how life is sometimes. Thankfully, our experience has been more positive than negative, and I just wanted to say thank you for all your love and support. We have been overwhelmed by your kind words and prayers for our family, so thanks!

I would like to clarify a little something though. I had just got yet another wonderful, encouraging message from a friend who said how I have been going through such a hard time, but doing it with grace. Part of me laughed a bit, because I don't feel like I'm graceful at all and that's because I'm not. But I wanted to clarify that if you see grace in this experience, then you are obviously seeing God's grace, because it's not mine. He is making me able to get through this messy time, and it is certainly anything but easy.

As I was driving home from the gym today, I had thought of an analogy (and I'm really quite proud of myself for it, so sorry if it sucks) for what it's like to push into God during the hard times. I know I have said many times that God uses the hard times or the valleys in our life to help us grow - which hurts - but is also really effective if we let him do it. So here it is. As many of you know, I am a nurse on Labour and Delivery. I help deliver babies - it's wonderful. But having a baby is hard work, and any mother who has gone through this will know it. When women go into labour, they are aiming for their cervix to reach that 10 cm mark so they can push that baby out. Having experienced a lot of pain up until this point, they may think that the worst part is over, but in reality it's still to come. Once that cervix is open, the woman can freely push with her contractions to help this baby be born. So in other words during the most painful part (contraction) the mother needs to push down long and hard, directly into the pain, to get that baby out. And it's not like two pushes and that baby is out (ok for some people it is). Some people with their first baby can push for 2-3 HOURS, before delivery. And the pain gets more intense as the pushing continues. Baby starts to move down, stretching tissue that has never been stretched, tearing it in some places. Physical and emotional exhaustion begins to set in, many moms will reach the point when they say "I can't do this anymore". It's hard work, but thankfully she has people there including lovely nurses to tell her "you're almost there, let's push again, keep going". The moment of the most pain comes right as that baby is being born, and then with a final push through the pain, the mom has the most beautiful moment of her life when she meets her child for the first time, how amazing. (I am truly blessed to witness this at work all the time).

This is my analogy of what it has felt like to go through our adoption. I feel like things got hard and we got through them. But then things got harder and God was like, now you need to push into me, against the pain. It hurts so much when something tough is happening, and it hurts to grow and stretch and learn through the process (especially in areas I don't want to be stretched); but at the end of it all it is way better than if I didn't push. For the moms that I have dealt with that didn't want to push - it made everything much harder and prolonged (for everyone). Pushing into the pain as scary as it is, for most moms actually feels better than not pushing. I think that's the spot that God wants us to be in. A place that hurts, but it would hurt more if I did it by myself, with my selfish ambitions in the forefront. Choosing his will for me, pushing into him when it hurts, and growing into a person I wouldn't be if I hadn't experienced this, makes the experience worthwhile. I often tell women not to waste their contractions because you need to push with them to help that baby move down. In the same way I need to not waste my time in the valley, I need to push into Jesus and learn what he has to teach me. It's in the hard times that we grow the most. And when I've had the days when I put my arms up in the air saying "I can't do this anymore", I have amazing people to encourage me saying "You are doing this, keep going, almost there".

I don't know if this analogy makes sense to you guys as much as it clicks to me. And maybe some of you think childbirth is gross and you didn't want to hear this (I was pretty filtered). And maybe some more of you think it's weird that I'm speaking about my adoption through an analogy about childbirth. I just know that this really spoke to my heart today. As things begin to hurt more and more I'm trying to push into Jesus more and more. Because maybe just like childbirth the most painful part is right before you get to meet your baby for the first time. And as I'm pushing into Jesus, part of my heart says "no, this is too hard", but I am blessed with coaches encouraging me and reminding me that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".

Obviously, our adoption is talking about YEARS in time, not the hours or days of labour, I just really thought this was a good representation of what I feel like, having to push into pain, when the existing pain already feels unbearable. Being stretched in places I maybe didn't want to be stretched. But the end result is the most beautiful thing and I can't wait to see what that looks like God, so bring on the pushing.