Well, here I am yet again writing a blog post months after my previous one, because unfortunately I don't have much to say anymore. I'm getting tired, exhausted. I don't think people really know the pain and frustration of waiting until you have to do just that. I have a few thoughts that keep running around in my head lately, so hopefully I don't ramble too much for you.
I've been really trying to "reason" with God lately, in my own throw a good ole' temper tantrum type of manner. I am constantly just telling God that I am so done with this whole thing and at the same time hoping that because I told him that I am done that he would give in to my demands and just give me a child. Unfortunately, (as most parents will agree) giving in to temper tantrums isn't the best form of parenting… so I don't think God will be giving in to my demands. So then I go onto just straight out demanding things like "God I will expect a call from the adoption agency TODAY". Ya, that didn't happen. Once again, God doesn't negotiate with terrorists (me). It's not like I really have anything to threaten him with really… all different methods of me trying to get what I want. And still here I am.
I'm trying to not become just a negative nancy, but I feel like I have a tendency to lean towards the negativity of a situation. And let's be honest I have been overly positive for much more of this experience than I was expecting. And I know it's because I do have hope, but right now I'm starting to feel utterly hopeless.
As I only have a few people that I have been completely real with on a daily basis (Justin and my family), I feel like the smile that I put on for people when they ask how the adoption is going isn't right anymore. I had a lady at work telling me that it must be hard for us to wait when another lady jumped in and said "oh, it's not hard, it's exciting!". Yes, it was exciting, two years ago when I started this process. Now I'm just tired and becoming oh so hopeless. I know it will be exciting, the day that we get to meet our child, but right now we are talking about a day that feels like it's never going to happen… I really think I might just give up and become a crazy dog lady.
I really enjoy my job, but I'm finding that because I had planned to be off on maternity leave like a year or more ago, that some days are just hard. I will be overly emotional about things that don't even matter because I'm just tired and exhausted. I am getting so close to just being done… but I don't know what it would even look like to just straight up give up, because I would then still be childless, and I'm pretty sure that this desire to be a mom isn't going to be fulfilled by large amounts of dogs...
I had so many expectations for our adoption, and that's probably a huge problem with all this. I expected that we would wait maybe six months and then we would have a baby. I expected that anyone who read our profile would love us, because we are fun, awesome people who just want to love a child. I expected to be done waiting by now. I expected that it wouldn't be this hard. I expected that people would have more understanding of how painful this process is, especially friends. I expected understanding from friends, but somehow managed to alienate them. I expected that I would have kids by now.
Because I think my expectations are a big part of why this is so hard (Justin does amazing because he has no expectations, he just trusts that everything will happen when it's right. Psh, what does he know?) I am trying to adjust my expectations to not having expectations. But now new expectations are arising. I'm expecting 2014 to be a write off, we will not have children this year. I'm expecting every other person in the world - adopting or not - to have children before I do, because that is how things seem to go. I'm expecting that I won't be able to mentally do this much longer. I'm expecting that I will give up because I feel like I have nothing left in me to give. But even with all my negative expectations… I still am in tears thinking of the moment that I get the call, the moment I get to meet my child for the first time, the moment my family gets to meet them. I guess that tiny bit of hope and excitement that I get just thinking about those moments, that's why I'm still going. Because that day is bound to happen sometime soon, isn't it?
