Ouch.

There are so many ways that this adoption has changed our lives and our hearts. Some of them are pretty obvious and easy to see, a lot I have shared with you all on the blog. One thing though that has surprised me in this experience, is how our hard time has really revealed to us who the people are that we can trust. We have had such an amazing experience in that we have received love from people we never expected it from. And at the same time we have received the complete opposite from people that we were expecting to love us. It's just weird how life is sometimes. Thankfully, our experience has been more positive than negative, and I just wanted to say thank you for all your love and support. We have been overwhelmed by your kind words and prayers for our family, so thanks!

I would like to clarify a little something though. I had just got yet another wonderful, encouraging message from a friend who said how I have been going through such a hard time, but doing it with grace. Part of me laughed a bit, because I don't feel like I'm graceful at all and that's because I'm not. But I wanted to clarify that if you see grace in this experience, then you are obviously seeing God's grace, because it's not mine. He is making me able to get through this messy time, and it is certainly anything but easy.

As I was driving home from the gym today, I had thought of an analogy (and I'm really quite proud of myself for it, so sorry if it sucks) for what it's like to push into God during the hard times. I know I have said many times that God uses the hard times or the valleys in our life to help us grow - which hurts - but is also really effective if we let him do it. So here it is. As many of you know, I am a nurse on Labour and Delivery. I help deliver babies - it's wonderful. But having a baby is hard work, and any mother who has gone through this will know it. When women go into labour, they are aiming for their cervix to reach that 10 cm mark so they can push that baby out. Having experienced a lot of pain up until this point, they may think that the worst part is over, but in reality it's still to come. Once that cervix is open, the woman can freely push with her contractions to help this baby be born. So in other words during the most painful part (contraction) the mother needs to push down long and hard, directly into the pain, to get that baby out. And it's not like two pushes and that baby is out (ok for some people it is). Some people with their first baby can push for 2-3 HOURS, before delivery. And the pain gets more intense as the pushing continues. Baby starts to move down, stretching tissue that has never been stretched, tearing it in some places. Physical and emotional exhaustion begins to set in, many moms will reach the point when they say "I can't do this anymore". It's hard work, but thankfully she has people there including lovely nurses to tell her "you're almost there, let's push again, keep going". The moment of the most pain comes right as that baby is being born, and then with a final push through the pain, the mom has the most beautiful moment of her life when she meets her child for the first time, how amazing. (I am truly blessed to witness this at work all the time).

This is my analogy of what it has felt like to go through our adoption. I feel like things got hard and we got through them. But then things got harder and God was like, now you need to push into me, against the pain. It hurts so much when something tough is happening, and it hurts to grow and stretch and learn through the process (especially in areas I don't want to be stretched); but at the end of it all it is way better than if I didn't push. For the moms that I have dealt with that didn't want to push - it made everything much harder and prolonged (for everyone). Pushing into the pain as scary as it is, for most moms actually feels better than not pushing. I think that's the spot that God wants us to be in. A place that hurts, but it would hurt more if I did it by myself, with my selfish ambitions in the forefront. Choosing his will for me, pushing into him when it hurts, and growing into a person I wouldn't be if I hadn't experienced this, makes the experience worthwhile. I often tell women not to waste their contractions because you need to push with them to help that baby move down. In the same way I need to not waste my time in the valley, I need to push into Jesus and learn what he has to teach me. It's in the hard times that we grow the most. And when I've had the days when I put my arms up in the air saying "I can't do this anymore", I have amazing people to encourage me saying "You are doing this, keep going, almost there".

I don't know if this analogy makes sense to you guys as much as it clicks to me. And maybe some of you think childbirth is gross and you didn't want to hear this (I was pretty filtered). And maybe some more of you think it's weird that I'm speaking about my adoption through an analogy about childbirth. I just know that this really spoke to my heart today. As things begin to hurt more and more I'm trying to push into Jesus more and more. Because maybe just like childbirth the most painful part is right before you get to meet your baby for the first time. And as I'm pushing into Jesus, part of my heart says "no, this is too hard", but I am blessed with coaches encouraging me and reminding me that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".

Obviously, our adoption is talking about YEARS in time, not the hours or days of labour, I just really thought this was a good representation of what I feel like, having to push into pain, when the existing pain already feels unbearable. Being stretched in places I maybe didn't want to be stretched. But the end result is the most beautiful thing and I can't wait to see what that looks like God, so bring on the pushing.

I am blessed

Today I am thankful for the things that I have. I am so blessed.

I am thankful for the family and friends that God has placed in my life. That they would love me enough to do life with me without judgement even when it gets messy. I am so blessed to have my family, they speak so much truth into my life and do so in love. And when I'm hurting, like I mentioned on the blog years ago, they crawl into bed and cry with me. This is love. This is friendship. I am blessed.

I am also blessed to be able to witness other people's adoption stories take place. Getting matched, meeting the child, having them in your home. That is such a blessing for me to witness and the excitement within me can hardly be contained. Soon it will be us.

I am so blessed to have an amazing husband, who remains solid and steady when things get tough. Who is always there to make me laugh when I'm crying, and to remind me that God hasn't forgotten about us. He cleans the house when I don't have the energy to do so, and never complains about it or tells me that I should have done these things. I enjoy his company, and he is going to make the best dad to our children. I am so blessed.

I am thankful that God has saved me and that he loves me so much that he continues to stretch me so that I may grow into maturity. I am thankful that he doesn't leave me where I am but continues to challenge me to go deeper. I am thankful that I relate to other people that I wouldn't have before and can truly love them as someone who knows exactly what it feels like to walk the road of infertility and adoption. I am thankful that God has pushed my limits so that I could fully trust him. It's been a long, painful road and the journey is far from over, but it's been worth every step.

I appreciate the journey that we have been on, and even though I am anticipating the end, I know that the timing is going to be perfect and better than anything I could have imagined.

We are so blessed. Thank you for continuing to journey through our adoption process. We love being able to be open with you, and have felt such love and encouragement from all of you! I appreciate all the messages that I have been getting from people reading the blog; your encouraging words mean more than you could ever know. So thanks(and keep them coming)! We love you all.

It's really quite easy to focus on what is going wrong in life, and believe me I know I do this all too quickly. So I want to challenge all of you to think of the things that you are blessed with and what you have to be thankful for. I never thought that I would be thankful for things like infertility… but I'm glad that God has taken us on this ride. We're better because of it.

I am blessed.

Change of Heart

When I wrote my most previous post a few weeks ago, I was in a bad place. I was having a hard few weeks and life circumstances were really impacting me more than they should. I was feeling incredibly down and hopeless and like I had been dropped into a hole and forgotten about. So I kind of moped in that for a bit, but thankfully have been brought up out of that.

I had really lost sight of what my purpose in life is, and truthfully my purpose isn't to be a mom. But sometimes my desire to be a mom takes over my life and then when I realize how long I've been trying to become a mom, I get a bit hopeless. Thankfully, God uses these dark times in my life to stretch me and help me grow. Here's how I have grown in the last couple weeks.

Justin and I were getting ready for church a week and a bit ago, and everything was just wrong that morning. My hair looked stupid, I was too fat to wear any nice clothes, I had nothing to wear - it was such a spiritual battle for me to even get to church that morning. But I needed to be there.

Our pastor spoke to my heart that day. My eyes were opened to how completely self centred I was and how my prayers were all about me getting a baby, and getting it NOW! I have since started praying that God would change my heart so that I would be willing to accept whatever HIS will is - even if that means I will never be a mom. For me, this has been such a huge transformation, I feel like my eyes have been opened to how selfish I am. And although I feel like my heart has already changed, it's still a battle within me because I still want my baby to come today, right now. I don't think my desire to be a mother will ever leave, and I do believe that God will make me a mom, but I am trusting that he knows the time that will be the right time. We can't rush his perfect plans, you know.

It was not just me who had a heart to heart with God that day. Justin shared with me that he had been really trying to listen to God's still voice and he heard "I haven't forgotten about you". We feel like we have been forgotten about quite a bit. That was a big encouragement to us.

Justin had also read through the book of Job recently, and he talked about how faithful Job was to God through all his suffering and how easy it would have been for Job to 'curse God and die', but instead he remained faithful and God blessed him so immensely at the end of it all. We don't know the plans God has for us, but he knows the plans he has for us and it's to give us hope and a future.

As someone who isn't very good at 'being still', I have really been focusing on the verse "Be still and know that I am God". And literally all I need to do is be still. Calm my heart. Calm my thoughts. Sleep at night. God's got this. He's God. Be still. Rest in him. This is way harder to do than it sounds. But in the past week or so that's all I've been saying to myself; be still. Because I'm not good at being still I have also found out how horrible I am for living in the moment. I find I'm always rehearsing things in my head or planning for the future. What I've been doing now is telling myself not only to be still, but to also be present. I will never get to live this day again, so why waste it?

This change in how I've been praying has changed my life quite a bit. I have been doing devotionals on nearly a daily basis, which is ridiculous because it has always been a struggle for me to be consistent with this. My heart is changing, and the moment I realized I needed to pray differently, my attitude was not one of hopelessness. It was one of Hope. We have Hope. Jesus is our HOPE!

Because of all this, my last week and a bit have been way better than the last few months have been. I feel more like myself again, which is relieving. But I still struggle with wanting to get my way… So I will continue to perfect the art of being still and being present. God knows the day we will get our babe, and with him on my side, that's all I need.

Continue to pray for us. Pray for our hearts to change and submit to God. Pray for peace and for us to be still. Pray for God's will to be done - not ours.