Left behind.

Everyone seems to be getting pregnant and moving forward in their life. Everyone gets to post all their happy pictures of them holding a positive pee stick on facebook and everyone in the world is so excited for them. I deeply want to be excited for people, but how is it that a moment of excitement and extreme joy in someone else's world can so quickly turn my world upside down? How come I sometimes avoid going places because I know pregnant people will be there, and I just won't be able to handle that? How messed up is that?

Obviously, I know that this issue has nothing to do with anyone else but me. I feel like the world's worst person when all I want to do is cry when people announce their pregnancies, but I honestly don't feel extremely happy for others, I just feel extreme jealousy and pain that I can't do that.

Today is one of those days where I'm really saying "why me, God". My entire life I have wanted to be loved by an amazing man, and be able to have a family with him. God blessed me beyond belief with Justin and I wouldn't have it any other way, but why the infertility? It really makes me wonder what God is thinking. I know I'll be better in the end because of it, as we grow the most during the difficult times in our lives, but I'm really not happy about this whole situation. I want to be pregnant, I want to do it the same way everyone else does.

I feel like I'm just a huge ball of emotions.... like a million emotions all at once. Because even though I'm so jealous and angry and hurt.... all I want to do is be around babies. I just want to hold babies all the time, and cry while doing it. That's what I want to do.

It feels like everyone else in the world gets to run ahead, all happy and stuff with their exciting pregnancies and visibly growing families.... and I get to stay back here, left behind answering people's questions about infertility and adoption. I feel so left in the dark and like it's never going to be light again. Infertility is such a dark place sometimes, and I really hate it. I do look forward to seeing and meeting my baby for the first time, but what if no one picks us? What if we have to wait another few years? I feel like I can't handle much more of this, let alone another few years....

I have more questions than answers today. Why are the people who are abusive and don't want their kids able to have kids? I guess this is just how it is living in a fallen world. Luckily, I have a strong faith and I understand that being Christian doesn't mean life is easy. I know that bad things happen to good people, but God is in control and only gives us what we can handle (even though most days I don't really feel like I can say "I got this"). He's in control and as frustrated or angry that makes me at him in this moment now, I know that I will be feeling something completely different in a year or two from now. Maybe that's how I get through each day, knowing it won't be like this forever.

Along with my infertility feelings and my empty womb, I worry about money. I worry about money much more than I should. Now that I am working full time, Justin and I make a decent salary. We are trying to save up to buy a house. Our current place that we rent has severe mould issues in the basement and we don't want to expose any newborn to the potential health risks associated with our current cheap, but death-trapish of a house (hopefully neither one of us come out with lung cancer in the future due to this place). So saving up for a house, oh right and saving for a baby, because unlike the rest of the world, we can't just grow one, equals incredibly unsettled Charissa. I am open to receiving donations from people, to do fundraisers etc etc, but I don't want people to feel like we aren't putting anything into our adoption. I know that thought is a lie, because obviously we are putting a lot into it. Financially, we have contributed the most into our current adoption fund. We are selling our possessions to afford a baby, we will be the ones who will need to pay if we can't fundraise the entire amount. And emotionally.... everything I do pretty much is working towards getting a baby. I guess I need to chill out.... the haters are gonna hate, and I should just be able to deal with that. I'm not sure why I'm so worried about what people think, because when it comes down to it, the people that know me and love me, they are the ones who opinions matter. Their opinions are the ones that will come from seeing first hand the stress, hurt, pain and all the different areas that are effected in my life from infertility.

Sorry, today is like just an outpour of stress and emotions.... and that's how I feel. Not just about one infertility topic.... I stress about so much, everything that's in the picture. Sigh.

In other news. I'm pretty sure our paypal donate button still works.... no one has tried it out in a while, so maybe you should (just joking, but not really). Also our tickets for our fundraising banquet are available tomorrow! Hot off the press! Invite everyone you know... literally. You will be able to buy tickets through Justin and I, my sister and brother in law, Courtney and Cam Liske and also through my brother, Carlen Selinger. You can send me a facebook message or you can comment on the blog, we will get in contact with you to get you your tickets.

Thanks for the love, thanks for reading and experiencing this with us.