The waiting game

Sometimes I ask myself "Is there anytime in your life that it would be good news to be infertile". And my answer is no. The only way it would be good is if I didn't want children. Then it would purely save me money on birth control - which I have to say even now is an upside, I guess.

The fact is: we don't plan crappy things to happen. And sometimes the timing of it is like - really? NOW? Justin and I had been 'trying' to get pregnant for a few months before I went into Nursing school over 3 years ago. We decided to stop once we found out I was accepted into school. Part of me wishes we hadn't stopped trying so that we would have known and could have planned things a bit differently.... but even though I love the back to the future movies - I know that we can't change the past so I need to stop dwelling on it.

For the readers that know me and know me well. I'm impatient. I really hate waiting for things. Why should I wait when I want this now? Although I feel like I have grown more patient over the past few years, I feel like waiting for this baby may be the ultimate test of patience. I want my baby TODAY! And today I am feeling rather hopeless.

It is incredibly painful for me to even go on facebook somedays. Don't get me wrong - I'm so excited for all you people that are having babies but somedays my pain and jealousy can really overtake that joy. I'm not jealous to the point of resenting or disliking people, I just tend to cry and wish that I could do what all you people experiencing pregnancy are doing. Knowing that I will NEVER be able to do it that way.... really leaves me ready to just sit down and give up. And say ok.... I'm done.

I was even saying to Justin yesterday "we might as well start saving up for our next baby". Justin and I have always planned on having around 3 - 4 children. Cooking them the normal way is cheaper - but we didn't get dealt that hand. If we were to adopt 4 children - that is a total of $120,000(ish) to build our family. Plus you have to wait for the one before to be at least one year old before you can start the process again and the process is about 2 years long.... So to do the math for you guys that is 9 years to have 4 babies. That just seems long to me. Even if Justin and I do decide to pursue fertility treatments, at $10,000 a cycle - it's not cheap. I guess I'm just frustrated that this isn't a right now issue.... it will be an issue for as long as I want kids, which right now feels like it's going to last eternity.

My main feelings of hopelessness come from the fact that there is no foreseeable end to this issue. Even with our current adoptive process - it could be a very long time before we get to meet our baby. The not knowing is what hurts so much. If I just had a date, then I could tell everyone - I will get my baby November 13, 2014 .... but I don't have a date, and it's probably going to be a while before I do.

I just want to educate you guys a bit on the adoptive process and where we are right now. Justin and I started the entire process almost 6 months ago. We still have our homestudy to be completed in July (where someone comes in and goes through our life with a fine tooth comb and deems us as suitable or unsuitable to raise children) and in August we will be applying to our agency in Florida. Our wait time is about 9 - 18 months once we are in with our agency, so from August.

Although I have had many interesting things said to me.... and if you want to read my blog on what to say and what not to say (warning... that blog is a bit ranty)it was the second blog that I wrote so you can check that out. I am consistently amazed however at how little the general population knows about the adoption process and how long it takes. And honestly, I wouldn't know about it if I wasn't having to pursue it. We live in a society of instant gratification and I think that's what people expect when I tell them I am adopting. This is how a certain conversation went for me last week

Lady: "So you are adopting? Congrats, where are you adopting from?"
Me: "Yes, we are adopting a newborn from Florida!"
Lady: "So when do you get your baby?"
Me: (kind of laughing)"Oh it will be a while yet"
Lady: "Well hasn't the pregnant mom told you her due date?"
Me: "Ya, my baby has probably not even been conceived yet..."

I think people just don't realize how long this process takes. And I feel bad for kind of laughing at people but everyone's asking me when and I'm thinking I would love to know when, but I don't and won't for a while. It is really hard some days to tell people that I may very well not get a baby until 2015.... but as hard as that is to swallow, it is true.

Time... I feel like it's going by fast and slow at the same time. I have been working as a RN for over half a year now... CRAZY! But I have only been pursueing adoption for half a year? That seems like it should be longer.

The waiting game is taking it's toll on me today, and I haven't even started 'actively waiting'. So I wait for August, when I can hopefully 'actively wait'.

Until then, I'll be 'unactively waiting' for time to hurry up and pass so that I can one day meet that beautiful child that I can call my own and enter into the exhaustion yet bliss that is motherhood.