unfairness, discipline and love.

The journey of infertility is definitely not an easy road to travel. It causes you to ask a lot of why questions. Our logical brains really like to believe the myth that good things happen to good people. That everyone who wants a baby should have the right to do just that. But that's not the case. And it's really unfair. But fairness isn't part of this at all.

We live in a world that strives to serve justice to everyone who deserves it. We punish the bad, we reward the good. That's why it's better to be good. But in this same world we have things that we can't control. Bad things happen to good people. Drug addicts have babies that they don't want, people neglect or abuse their children everyday, and the people that want those children more than anything in the world, can't have them. I have done my fair share of questioning why God has put this struggle in our lives. And honestly, I don't know that I will ever know the answer as to why, but it has already challenged me and changed my life for the better.

No one plans for unexpected things. No one tucks away $30,000 dollars just in case they are unable to have children and choose to adopt. No one likes the hard times in life. We don't enjoy the darkness. Feeling alone, in pieces. No one wants that. But what I am learning through this time is that we grow the most in the darkness. When we feel the most vulnerable. You know when you were kids and you had growing pains? That is what I like to think of this time in my life. God stretching me, to completely uncomfortable, dark places. But I can already see how much I've grown.

Another mentality that I have really had to speak truth into is the idea that God is punishing me. He is punishing me for things that I did in my past. This mentality is believed so much in our world. There is a Christian character on Grey's Anatomy who has sex before marriage and then you watch her fall to pieces constantly because she believes God is punishing her. This is our view of God? That guilt, doesn't come from a holy God. That is our sin and need for forgiveness and repentance. God disciplines us, yes. However we are God's children, he loves us and wants us to grow and therefore doesn't just strike us down with lightening every time we make a mistake.

So many people in our world unfortunately have horrible earthly fathers. Which then messes up their view of what our heavenly father is like. I, do have a human father, who makes mistakes, but he is a pretty amazing dad. When I think of how much God loves us but yet needs to discipline us, I think of my dad.

When I was younger and would do something bad, (I know it's hard to believe, I am such an angel), dad would often spank us (me and my siblings). Typically we would get one maybe two smacks with the belt across our hands. As an adult, I have really grown to admire my father in how he disciplined us and here's how it would go. So, I would get in trouble, get sent to my room and usually have to sit and wait, knowing that the spanking was coming (that was the worst part- the guilt and feeling of impending doom). I really think that my dad used this time as an opportunity to calm himself, as not to discipline us in his anger. I would then get called into my dad's bedroom and he would ask me if I knew why I was getting the spanking. I always understood why, behaviour has consequences and I had to face them. My father - who looks like a very hard man, but is actually a huge softy on the inside - would then proceed to give me a smack or two on the hands and then afterwards would fall to his knees, wrap his arms around me and hold me tight. His eyes would fill with tears (he often cried more than I did) and he would tell me how much he loved me. This is what loving discipline is. It hurts and kind of sucks at times but is necessary for our growth.

Although this time in my life isn't a disciplinary time, God still allows things to happen to help us grow and to glorify him. Have you guys read the book of Job? God let everything happen to him. And he continued to bless God's name. I just pray that God will give me the grace and strength to bless his name through this hard time.

The idea of fairness is really something that doesn't work, even though our world tries to force it. Nothing in life is fair and it never will be on this side of heaven. We were given a choice, and we chose to live under our own messed up rules. That's why bad things happen. God doesn't make them happen, but allows things to happen. If he never allowed something bad to happen, would we ever grow? Would we ever be forced to change and question our ways? Our hearts are pretty hard sometimes and it's those hard times in our lives that break down the walls so that we may grow.

I think I'm done asking the question why, because honestly I think the moment that I will get my answer is the moment that I will get to hold my baby for the first time. So until then, I think I'm done asking questions. Maybe it's time to "be still and know that I am God". I rest in his peace, his love, his grace, and his strength.

My brain is pretty jumbled today as I kind of jumped all over the map of my inconsistent thoughts.... so thanks for sticking it out. I just want to point out that our baby account has officially jumped over the $10,000 hurdle! Thanks so much for all your love and support. We love and appreciate all your generosity way more than you could ever know.