Money: friend or foe?

When Justin and I found out about our infertility and started questioning about our options, the biggest reason against adopting a baby was simply the cost. It came from my lovely mother in law that said "don't decide not to adopt because of the money". Words that I found incredibly encouraging, but some days it's like "why did I listen?". Justin and I have been incredibly blessed and have lived a comfortable life. Mind you, we do have our share of debts (nursing school isn't a freebie) and we are working to pay them off. But this adoption has really challenged us in how we spend our money, and we have certainly started thinking a lot more about where we put it.

Justin and I started budgeting in about January of this year, which has been really good for us. We only spend our allotted amount each week. It's been good for us to learn how to save. The funny thing is that we began budgeting after I started working, so as we brought in more money we started being a bit more frugal with it. That's an interesting concept, but we are happy about it none the less.

The biggest issue I have with all this money stuff is simply that I really hate money. I really hate it. Like a lot. I feel like because we are fundraising for this adoption that all our money should be going towards that adoption. We have put some money towards the adoption, and we continue to do so, and truthfully if we do not raise all our funds, where is the rest of the money for the adoption going to come from? Us. Whether our savings account or our lines of credit, we will be needing to fill in the deficit.

It's incredibly humbling to ask people for money. I have had people ask me if we are accepting donations and I have always responded "I am very open to taking your money!", which I am, but it's a really humbling spot to be in. Because we are accepting donations I almost feel like I am accountable to those people who are giving us money with how I spend my money. I have never been in a position like I am now, feeling so incredibly overwhelmed with where my money should go.

Although I am incredibly jealous of people that can make their babies the natural way, with all the excitement and whatnot that comes with that. Lately, I've been jealous that their baby making ways are free. Everyone knows that babies cost money, and for the most part getting to the point where you have a newborn in your arms is inexpensive. You cooked and grew that baby for free. I'm really jealous of that. To get my baby in my arms, I will spend $30,000 plus travel expenses. That's INSANE!

I guess where a lot of my worry for money is coming from right now is this. I have expressed earlier that Justin and I currently live in a rental property that has some mould issues in the basement. We do not want a baby here. Our rent is ridiculously cheap and awesome, but we want to have a healthy environment to raise a baby in. Because rent is so high everywhere else in the city, we are starting the process to look into buying a house. I think buying a house is overwhelming when that's the only big expense that you are looking at, but when you are looking into buying a house and adopting a baby with all those wonderful costs.... it's a lot. It's almost like I feel guilty for buying a house, while still fundraising and asking for people to assist us with the cost of our adoption. And honestly, I want to be completely transparent with everyone about this topic. Our income tax refund was a substantial amount this year, which has given us the opportunity to even think about buying a house. We are praying about it, and will continue to pray that God will give us peace to know what decision we should be making. This is a huge financial decision.

I guess where I am worried is again about what people are going to say. Like "they just bought a house, why should I give them money for their adoption, when they just bought a house?". I really just want to trust that everyone who is giving us money can confidently know that your money is going towards our adoption. You should also know, that our money is going towards our adoption. So far the people that have made the largest donation in our adoption fund is Justin and Charissa Jaarsma. And I'm confident it will stay that way, and it should. We are putting a lot into this.... our hearts are completely in this.

We have been blown away by everyone's generosity. Our banquet was a huge success. I was so glad when it was over! A lot of work went into planning it. My sister helped me out significantly, we were both exhausted once the day finally came. We will be having some more fundraisers in the future. And hopefully our fundraisers will be able to raise all the funds that we need.

I just want you all to know that the money that you guys are giving us, is not something that we take lightly. It weighs really heavily on our hearts. We feel an incredible responsibility to you and your generosity. We want you to know that we are putting so much into this adoption and that we are also needing to think about raising this baby in a safe environment. I also want you to know, that this hasn't come up from any person saying anything to us. We feel great responsibility with the blessings that have been given to us and we want to spend the money God has given us appropriately.

Please pray that God would give us the wisdom in making decisions with our money in terms of buying a house. Please pray for our hearts to be filled with his peace.... I've been a bit anxious about this as you can probably tell from this post.

We love you all so much. We know and feel your love everyday. Thanks for reading along, I hope you have caught a glimpse of what's on my heart today.