Hey everyone it has been such a long time since I posted, so I thought I would give a bit of an update. Justin and I just got home yesterday from our 3.5 week long trip to Australia. We were blessed to be able to go there to stand up in my brother's wedding. He married an amazing Aussie and they will be starting their marriage off in Canada. The day was so beautiful and I loved being able to be there! We had a great holiday and are just trying to readjust from all the jet lag (yay 16 hour time difference, NOT).
In the meantime our adoption still feels like it's going nowhere. We have been waiting since January and haven't heard anything yet. The most frustrating part for me is that I honestly expected to be chosen by now, and we haven't. It's hard to learn to have absolutely no expectations… but remain hopeful at the same time, which unfortunately isn't very easy.
As we enter different stages in our adoption process I am surprised by all the different emotions that have come up. Some have surprised me, some I kind of expected. Here are the things I have been experiencing lately.
As I have healed through the process of our infertility I have moved past being able to handle pregnant people, like I work on labour and birth so I obviously am able to be around people having babies. What I am finding really difficult is the people who were having babies when our process started that are now having more babies. I feel like they are so greedy, having all the babies, and I'm just waiting-still.
Another thing that both Justin and I are experiencing is just a bit of frustration. Our home study expires October 3rd, so we need to have an updated home study to the agency by then or we are put on hold. So we start our home study next week. I'm thinking that the home study shouldn't be as bad as the last one, but we were a bit stressed during our home study last time. Please keep us in our prayers, I again had the expectation that we wouldn't need to do a home study update.
The last and newest thing that I have been having troubles with is hearing people complaining about their kids or watching how angry people get with their kids. I know that being a parent will be stressful, and everyone has their moments, but I would love to have a sleepless night with my baby. I would love to have a child to discipline. It's so easy to take things for granted like your kids, especially when you don't know the pain of not being able to have them. So please, stop complaining about your kids via Facebook or by mouth and just be thankful that you have that little person to love, because you aren't getting any sympathy from me.
Please continue to pray for us as we start our home study update next week. Also pray for continued peace and patience as we trust in God's timing. Also pray that God's timing is soon! I am thankful that we were able to have another trip to ourselves, we are feeling refreshed, although rather jet lagged. Thank you so much for following our story, and hopefully soon we will have news to share with you all!
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Monday, June 9, 2014
Don't trust your feelings
So lately I've been trying to adjust my attitude, and while doing so I've realized that I have gotten out of the habit of taking my thoughts captive. As a person who grew up in a Christian home, I have been familiar with the verse in 2 Corinthians forever, but only gained understanding of what it truly means a few years ago.
A few years ago, I was full of anger, resentment and bitterness and in an attempt to get my life and relationship with God back on track I started meeting with a spiritual mentor. She is wonderful and has helped grow in my walk with God significantly. It was through one of the studies that we did that I learned what taking my thoughts captive meant. The world is full of lies. Full of things that try to distract us and try to deceive our minds. Taking our thoughts captive means catching those lies that are running around in your head and lining them up with what the Bible says. If they don't match, then obviously that is a lie. From there we are to renounce the lie that we have been believing and announce the truth of God's word.
I've been out of practice lately, which has probably allowed my attitude to shift into such negativity. I'm constantly saying things like "our baby is never going to get here" or "God has forgotten about us". These are obviously not true, but the problem is I FEEL like they are. Unfortunately for us, our feelings make us think that something is true because we feel all the hurt and pain from whatever is happening in our life. The dilemma is that our feelings aren't necessarily an accurate portrayal of the truth. Our feelings are incredibly real and matter, however we need to give our feelings some significant adjustments on occasion as well. Like my mentor always tells me, take your thoughts captive by recognizing the lie you believe, replace it with God's truth and your feelings will catch up later.
I've been putting my feelings and the lies that I have floating around in check. God hasn't forgotten about me, everything he does is in His perfect timing, and right now I need to wait. Our baby will come - again in God's timing. God isn't punishing us with infertility for something we did in the past, He loves us and wants us to have complete dependence and trust in him.
I've already been putting these skills back into practice and have been noticing the shift in my attitude. Justin is also a great person to have around as he constantly saying to me "Charissa, you are believing a lie", he is good at giving me a reality check when I need it. So I am now waiting, with a better attitude, believing God's truth and just waiting for my feelings to catch up.
2 Corinthians 10:3-5
"For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ".
A few years ago, I was full of anger, resentment and bitterness and in an attempt to get my life and relationship with God back on track I started meeting with a spiritual mentor. She is wonderful and has helped grow in my walk with God significantly. It was through one of the studies that we did that I learned what taking my thoughts captive meant. The world is full of lies. Full of things that try to distract us and try to deceive our minds. Taking our thoughts captive means catching those lies that are running around in your head and lining them up with what the Bible says. If they don't match, then obviously that is a lie. From there we are to renounce the lie that we have been believing and announce the truth of God's word.
I've been out of practice lately, which has probably allowed my attitude to shift into such negativity. I'm constantly saying things like "our baby is never going to get here" or "God has forgotten about us". These are obviously not true, but the problem is I FEEL like they are. Unfortunately for us, our feelings make us think that something is true because we feel all the hurt and pain from whatever is happening in our life. The dilemma is that our feelings aren't necessarily an accurate portrayal of the truth. Our feelings are incredibly real and matter, however we need to give our feelings some significant adjustments on occasion as well. Like my mentor always tells me, take your thoughts captive by recognizing the lie you believe, replace it with God's truth and your feelings will catch up later.
I've been putting my feelings and the lies that I have floating around in check. God hasn't forgotten about me, everything he does is in His perfect timing, and right now I need to wait. Our baby will come - again in God's timing. God isn't punishing us with infertility for something we did in the past, He loves us and wants us to have complete dependence and trust in him.
I've already been putting these skills back into practice and have been noticing the shift in my attitude. Justin is also a great person to have around as he constantly saying to me "Charissa, you are believing a lie", he is good at giving me a reality check when I need it. So I am now waiting, with a better attitude, believing God's truth and just waiting for my feelings to catch up.
2 Corinthians 10:3-5
"For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ".
Monday, June 2, 2014
Attitude Adjustment
Hey everyone, I've been trying to get consistent in my blogging but it seems like I do a couple and then completely forget, so here's a bit of an update blog.
Mother's day happened in May, and I think that was kinda sucky. I remember last year on Mother's day, I was hoping that Mother's day 2014 would be a day that I was actually a Mother. And here we are a few weeks later, still no baby…. I think the hardest thing for me, is not being jealous of people having babies - it's being jealous of people that will have 2 - 3 kids in the time it will take us to get our baby. There are people I know that are pregnant for the second time since we started our adoption process, I find that hard. Almost like people are hogging the babies… only I know they aren't. Once again, it's hard to stand still while everyone else doesn't.
I have been in a really low place in the last few months. Feeling like all my hope is gone, not wanting to leave my house, see people or really do anything. But at the same time, I hassle Justin that we never do anything and that I want to do stuff, but when it comes down to it, I really don't. What a weird place to be. As mentioned before, I don't feel depressed, I just feel really discouraged and quite hopeless on a lot of days. Because of this I have been having the worst attitude, and God has really convicted me of this in the past week or so.
As I have been trying to adjust my attitude, to stop feeling sorry for myself and mope in my hopelessness - I have been diving into a book of the bible that I find very encouraging when I get like this. The book of James.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." James 1:2-5.
I have been lacking peace, and patience. So I have been asking God for these things, but at the same time I know patience is developed by waiting. So here I am, continuing to wait, but hoping to do it with a better attitude. I am also lacking children, so I will continue to pray that God will end our wait soon.
Life throws a lot of hard times our way, it's part of living. I'm making a choice to do it with a better attitude. One that clings to the truth that God's timing is always perfect, and the match that he has for us is the best one ever. So in the mean time, I'm trying to be full of hope, because in Jesus, there is nothing but hope. And he's got my back.
Mother's day happened in May, and I think that was kinda sucky. I remember last year on Mother's day, I was hoping that Mother's day 2014 would be a day that I was actually a Mother. And here we are a few weeks later, still no baby…. I think the hardest thing for me, is not being jealous of people having babies - it's being jealous of people that will have 2 - 3 kids in the time it will take us to get our baby. There are people I know that are pregnant for the second time since we started our adoption process, I find that hard. Almost like people are hogging the babies… only I know they aren't. Once again, it's hard to stand still while everyone else doesn't.
I have been in a really low place in the last few months. Feeling like all my hope is gone, not wanting to leave my house, see people or really do anything. But at the same time, I hassle Justin that we never do anything and that I want to do stuff, but when it comes down to it, I really don't. What a weird place to be. As mentioned before, I don't feel depressed, I just feel really discouraged and quite hopeless on a lot of days. Because of this I have been having the worst attitude, and God has really convicted me of this in the past week or so.
As I have been trying to adjust my attitude, to stop feeling sorry for myself and mope in my hopelessness - I have been diving into a book of the bible that I find very encouraging when I get like this. The book of James.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." James 1:2-5.
I have been lacking peace, and patience. So I have been asking God for these things, but at the same time I know patience is developed by waiting. So here I am, continuing to wait, but hoping to do it with a better attitude. I am also lacking children, so I will continue to pray that God will end our wait soon.
Life throws a lot of hard times our way, it's part of living. I'm making a choice to do it with a better attitude. One that clings to the truth that God's timing is always perfect, and the match that he has for us is the best one ever. So in the mean time, I'm trying to be full of hope, because in Jesus, there is nothing but hope. And he's got my back.
Friday, May 2, 2014
The diseased label of "Infertility"
Everyone has been constantly telling me how strong Justin and I are, to be able to share our experiences so openly. And that's honestly just who I am, and I'm thankful that I have been able to share it with you. I can't imagine going through this in the dark. But honestly that is a reality for many people who struggle with infertility, and I totally get why they choose to do it that way.
Putting aside all the comments that people say that are clearly not thought through, or the just plain ignorance or stupidity of people, many choose to go through infertility quietly so they aren't put under a label. No one wants to have the giant label of sterility across their foreheads, but sometimes it feels like it's permanently there. It becomes something you pity, or whisper to your friend: "see that couple, they can't have kids, it's so sad…". And even though you don't say these things directly to our faces (ok sometimes people do), we feel it. It comes across in the way you treat us. When I'm having a bad week and don't want to see anyone - it's ok. I'm not depressed. I'm still myself and having to grieve through some stuff. Also if I do see you, I don't need to be asked a very sad "so how are you doing, really?" If you genuinely ask me how I'm doing, without the sad face, I'll still tell you if I'm doing great or if I'm down in an unmentionable hole; I'm open enough to be honest.
Somedays I feel almost like I have a disease. People who are usually good friends to us seem to be tip toeing around us like we are fragile cracked china who will crumble into a thousand pieces if someone speaks louder than a whisper. This is not so. We are getting worn down through this process, yes, but we are still us. We can still laugh and joke about things, we are still ourselves. We need people who will keep treating us like us, because it's just awkward when you change on us like that.
There is a difference, however, in being sensitive to someone's feelings and treating them like they are about to break. I have appreciated when people ask if a subject of conversation is bothering me, most of the time it isn't. But thanks for the consideration.
I really want to just challenge everyone to be real with people. Be real with us, and others that are experiencing something similar. Don't tip toe around us, we wear big girl panties, we can take it. Try as hard as you can not to place that giant label on someone's forehead, it makes us feel a bit outcasted. And the truth of the matter is that the rate of infertility is continually on the rise. It would freak you out to know how many people have trouble getting pregnant, and the majority of these are young healthy people. Soon there will be more of us than you, haha, just joking, I really hope that never happens. But for reals, be real with people, understand there is a grieving process and that we sometimes just need some space.
Putting aside all the comments that people say that are clearly not thought through, or the just plain ignorance or stupidity of people, many choose to go through infertility quietly so they aren't put under a label. No one wants to have the giant label of sterility across their foreheads, but sometimes it feels like it's permanently there. It becomes something you pity, or whisper to your friend: "see that couple, they can't have kids, it's so sad…". And even though you don't say these things directly to our faces (ok sometimes people do), we feel it. It comes across in the way you treat us. When I'm having a bad week and don't want to see anyone - it's ok. I'm not depressed. I'm still myself and having to grieve through some stuff. Also if I do see you, I don't need to be asked a very sad "so how are you doing, really?" If you genuinely ask me how I'm doing, without the sad face, I'll still tell you if I'm doing great or if I'm down in an unmentionable hole; I'm open enough to be honest.
Somedays I feel almost like I have a disease. People who are usually good friends to us seem to be tip toeing around us like we are fragile cracked china who will crumble into a thousand pieces if someone speaks louder than a whisper. This is not so. We are getting worn down through this process, yes, but we are still us. We can still laugh and joke about things, we are still ourselves. We need people who will keep treating us like us, because it's just awkward when you change on us like that.
There is a difference, however, in being sensitive to someone's feelings and treating them like they are about to break. I have appreciated when people ask if a subject of conversation is bothering me, most of the time it isn't. But thanks for the consideration.
I really want to just challenge everyone to be real with people. Be real with us, and others that are experiencing something similar. Don't tip toe around us, we wear big girl panties, we can take it. Try as hard as you can not to place that giant label on someone's forehead, it makes us feel a bit outcasted. And the truth of the matter is that the rate of infertility is continually on the rise. It would freak you out to know how many people have trouble getting pregnant, and the majority of these are young healthy people. Soon there will be more of us than you, haha, just joking, I really hope that never happens. But for reals, be real with people, understand there is a grieving process and that we sometimes just need some space.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Standing still
Hey everyone, sorry for the lack of updates on here, I will explain why there has been a lack of posts in this blog.
Every week Justin and I are constantly asked "So have you heard anything yet". To which I'm really wanting to tell people "Yes, here is my invisible child (insert name here)"(LOL). I totally get that people are wanting to know where we are at, but where we are at is honestly the most incredibly difficult thing right now.
We are the same. We are in the exact same spot we were in since January. We are waiting, anxiously. Nothing is changing. Everything is the same. That's the hardest part - that everything - the circumstances, our feelings - stay the same. We know we have no control over this, we know that our God is bigger than this and has all this in His control; His timing will be perfect, but right now it doesn't feel perfect. Right now it hurts. It's hard to stand still as the rest of the world moves at it's ridiculously fast pace around you.
I just want to ask a few things of you guys, because we have had some experiences lately that have made everything that much harder. Firstly: if we come to you asking for prayer please just pray for us. I have unfortunately experienced getting lectured and preached at, which has completely turned me off to asking for prayer. So please, just pray. We would appreciate keeping your "wisdom" to yourself. We have close friends and family who offer us truth and love, so please just pray and keep your thoughts to yourself.
Secondly, I don't mind people asking us how we are doing with the adoption and where we are at with it all, but the question of whether we have heard anything is getting old. I do want to reassure you guys that if and when (it could be another year down the road) we hear something, we will be so flipping excited that everyone on this planet will hear it too. So please, if you can refrain from asking, do. It makes feeling like we are standing absolutely still so much harder when everyone reminds you several times a day that you are standing still.
I never imagined that waiting would be this hard, but it is. Both Justin and I are really beginning to be worn down emotionally, and I know for me it's starting to creep into me physically as well. I haven't really been sleeping well, which is probably a combination of the adoption and working shift work. So please pray for that.
Justin has really been realizing how this is always going to be a struggle for us. That having a family will never come easily. It won't be an "oops, we're pregnant", although I so wish that could happen. We believe in miracles, but haven't felt at all that God will be granting us this one. So we are facing some battles within ourselves, looking at what seems to be an incredibly long road ahead of us. It's rather daunting, and extremely discouraging.
Please please please pray for us. Pray for strength in every day, every moment. Pray for the truth to resound in our hearts and minds. Pray for God to be vocal in our lives. Pray that babies come, and that they come soon. Pray for peace. Pray for rest.
We thank you all for the love and support that you show us. Please continue to pray for us as we struggle to stand still while the world runs laps around us.
Every week Justin and I are constantly asked "So have you heard anything yet". To which I'm really wanting to tell people "Yes, here is my invisible child (insert name here)"(LOL). I totally get that people are wanting to know where we are at, but where we are at is honestly the most incredibly difficult thing right now.
We are the same. We are in the exact same spot we were in since January. We are waiting, anxiously. Nothing is changing. Everything is the same. That's the hardest part - that everything - the circumstances, our feelings - stay the same. We know we have no control over this, we know that our God is bigger than this and has all this in His control; His timing will be perfect, but right now it doesn't feel perfect. Right now it hurts. It's hard to stand still as the rest of the world moves at it's ridiculously fast pace around you.
I just want to ask a few things of you guys, because we have had some experiences lately that have made everything that much harder. Firstly: if we come to you asking for prayer please just pray for us. I have unfortunately experienced getting lectured and preached at, which has completely turned me off to asking for prayer. So please, just pray. We would appreciate keeping your "wisdom" to yourself. We have close friends and family who offer us truth and love, so please just pray and keep your thoughts to yourself.
Secondly, I don't mind people asking us how we are doing with the adoption and where we are at with it all, but the question of whether we have heard anything is getting old. I do want to reassure you guys that if and when (it could be another year down the road) we hear something, we will be so flipping excited that everyone on this planet will hear it too. So please, if you can refrain from asking, do. It makes feeling like we are standing absolutely still so much harder when everyone reminds you several times a day that you are standing still.
I never imagined that waiting would be this hard, but it is. Both Justin and I are really beginning to be worn down emotionally, and I know for me it's starting to creep into me physically as well. I haven't really been sleeping well, which is probably a combination of the adoption and working shift work. So please pray for that.
Justin has really been realizing how this is always going to be a struggle for us. That having a family will never come easily. It won't be an "oops, we're pregnant", although I so wish that could happen. We believe in miracles, but haven't felt at all that God will be granting us this one. So we are facing some battles within ourselves, looking at what seems to be an incredibly long road ahead of us. It's rather daunting, and extremely discouraging.
Please please please pray for us. Pray for strength in every day, every moment. Pray for the truth to resound in our hearts and minds. Pray for God to be vocal in our lives. Pray that babies come, and that they come soon. Pray for peace. Pray for rest.
We thank you all for the love and support that you show us. Please continue to pray for us as we struggle to stand still while the world runs laps around us.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Laser Tag 'Fun'draiser
Hey Everyone, just wanted to make an announcement about our next fundraiser.
What: Laser tag All nighter
When: March 7, 2014 11Pm until 5AM (need to be there at 10:40PM)
Where: Laser Quest, 10 Hesse Bay Regina, SK
Cost: $50
So this event is going to be a ton of fun! Anyone over the age of 5 can come (assuming they can stay awake)! We will be providing some snack food - chips and drinks. The night will be full of awesome, laser tagging adventures! Hope to see you there!! Tickets are available through Justin/Charissa Jaarsma, Kristin Woolhead and you can also purchase your spot at laser quest!
For those of you who aren't into laser tag, we will be planning a steak night soon, so no worries if you need to sit this one out!
Looking forward to seeing you guys there!
What: Laser tag All nighter
When: March 7, 2014 11Pm until 5AM (need to be there at 10:40PM)
Where: Laser Quest, 10 Hesse Bay Regina, SK
Cost: $50
So this event is going to be a ton of fun! Anyone over the age of 5 can come (assuming they can stay awake)! We will be providing some snack food - chips and drinks. The night will be full of awesome, laser tagging adventures! Hope to see you there!! Tickets are available through Justin/Charissa Jaarsma, Kristin Woolhead and you can also purchase your spot at laser quest!
For those of you who aren't into laser tag, we will be planning a steak night soon, so no worries if you need to sit this one out!
Looking forward to seeing you guys there!
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Baby, come soon.
I have always been a very impatient person. I want things now, I don't want to wait unnecessarily for them. I feel like my years of praying for patience have now been thrown into this adoption process, and I really just wish that I didn't have to learn patience by waiting, because I'm starting to become impatient. Ok, the truth is I'm past the point of impatience.
It's funny how different forms of waiting can completely change what's going on. Two weeks ago we were not actively waiting. We were waiting to get onto a list where we would wait some more, but could at any moment become parents. I so looked forward to the day we would be active. Well that day has come and gone - we were active as of last week, which is exciting, but I don't understand how knowing that I am on a different list has changed so much within in me in such a short amount of time.
I am having a really hard time waiting. The fact that someone could just pick up the phone and be like "hey, do you want this baby?" excites me, but at the same time I find myself more hopeless than I have been in a long time. I get to the point where I am so excited that it could happen soon (and I think we are going to be great parents- so why wouldn't anyone pick us after looking at our profile?) that I expect every call to be from the agency. All those weird telemarketer numbers - I get disappointed when it isn't the agency. Messages on the answering machine - it's just work wanting to know if I can work again. And already I find myself in a place where I get too hopeful, that I end up frustrated, sad, hurt and even more impatient in the end. It's not right for me to expect that I get chosen one day off the wait list, but it's not going to be an eternity either, even though it feels like it now.
People mean well - they really do. And I probably do a good job at hiding how hard actively waiting has been on me, but I told Justin the other day that I wish people would stop asking me about it. You asked me last week if we have heard anything - it's been one week… still nothing has changed. Remember when I said it is slow and takes time… ya we are still in that slowness. And it's hard when everyone is constantly asking "any news, any news?". Well I just want to suggest something to you. Do you think that I will be able to contain my excitement when we are matched with a child? The answer is no. I'm pretty sure every person in existence will know about our baby, that will be such a wonderful day.
I don't want to discourage you guys from asking about our adoption, because it is good for me to talk about it. I'm just having a hard time with this active waiting stuff - hoping it won't be too long. I feel like I almost can't plan my life because "when are the babies going to come?" Well, I sure hope it's soon, because the inside of my head isn't a great place to be so far in this time of actively waiting.
Who knew that being on a different list could make my waiting so much different and harder- but in the meantime I'm starting some nesting - just bought a whole bunch of cloth diapers the other day. We will be ready when that baby comes… and please baby, come soon.
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