Thankful to an AMAZING God!

In the past week or two, God has really opened my eyes to where I have been and where he has brought me to right now, and I want to share with you guys the incredible healing that has gone on in my heart.

Almost a year ago now we found out that we were infertile. All I did for months after this discovery was cry, and cry and then cry some more. I had been dreaming about becoming a mother since I had gotten married in 2007, and now it seemed like something that I had the right to, was stripped away from me. How unfair.

For those of you who haven't experienced infertility, you have been spared a lot of pain. But at the same time it's hard for people struggling with infertility to be around others who are not. It's hard be excited for someone when they tell you they are pregnant - all you really want to do is slap them. And although I would never say that I have been a jealous person, infertility really made me mad at all the people that can freely be intimate with their husband and make a life. Going to baby showers or like things are pretty much a no no for the infertile. This is because emotionally it's easier to stay at home rather than pretend that you are happy for someone with their new baby. I remember constantly thinking "I deserve a baby before that person does". It's amazing the thoughts that run through your head when you are hurting, but for many people this state is a reality, and it HURTS so much. I can't tell you in words how painful it is to be in this place. But just know, it is a dark, painful place, that I hope none of you have to experience.

When we started moving along with our adoption process, I had come to a place that was like "Ok God, if this is the plan you have for me, I will do it". I kind of half submitted myself to God's will but still felt myself holding on to some of my anger and jealousy. I would go to church and pretty much just cry - this was a reality I think for about 6 months. I knew that God's plan was better than mine, but his plan still really hurt.

My life changing experience happened when I went to Uganda to visit my parents. God used many of the Ugandan people to stretch me very uncomfortably while I was there. My heart wrestled with a lot of convictions of where my faith in God was and whether I truly believed that he knew better. Through many different situations and my time in the baby home there - my heart knew that I was truly called to adoption. Being in a home with 60 orphans (each one would have come home with me if they would have let me), with Ugandan people telling me to "have faith, and God will make you pregnant", reassured me that adoption is MY calling.

Nearly a year ago, I was under a curse of infertility. Today I am blessed to be on the roller coaster of adoption. I started my job on Labour and Delivery last week. I had a few people who have also struggled with infertility who cautioned me about working on L&D as it may be hurtful to work there. And I know that most infertile people can't do baby showers let alone work somewhere full of pregnant people bringing their babies into the world. Well let me tell you - I'm pretty sure I was made to work L&D. I love it. I feel that I am right where I should be.

When I was in Uganda, the Ugandan people challenged me with their faith. Telling me to expect a miracle from God. Yes, getting pregnant would be a miracle, but I think we got a better miracle instead. Full submission to God's will, has not only healed my broken, infertile heart, but has caused me to THRIVE in the midst of a tough situation. I am happy and excited for people who are pregnant, I can go to baby showers, I help people bring their babies into the world. Without God, I would be in a far deeper depression than I have ever been in before. The miracle is what God has done in my heart. My wounds are healed.

I am a stubborn girl, who has submitted to the will of God, and has been overwhelmingly blessed because of it. Sometimes the things that happen to us hurt and are hard. But maybe God does know what's best for us, and although I would have never chose this experience for myself, I'm glad that God chose it for me. And I'm glad that he didn't just throw me in the middle of a dark hole and leave me there; he has brought me through it and given me the strength to thrive.

I am thankful that God has given us the hidden blessing of infertility. So that I could learn full dependence on him.

"'For I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future'". Jeremiah 29:11