We're still here.

Hey everyone! Thought I should maybe write something to let you know we haven't fallen off the face of the planet. Here's what's been happening.

It has been 79 days since our adoption fell through (but who's counting?), and honestly I feel surprised that it's ONLY been 79 days. It has felt so so much longer. 27 days after our match fell through we were offered another match, to which we said no. Justin and I reviewed all the information on the potential match and we prayed and prayed and prayed about it. We talked to a few trusted family members and friends and all of us had the same opinion - that this child would not be ours. It was an incredibly hard day to say no to a potential match and I was really frustrated that God would even let it be proposed to us, but I guess it really proved to us that we are truly waiting for the child that is ours - not just any baby. I have always said I would say yes to any child because it's a child, so I guess that proved that theory wrong.

Since we received that proposal, we have really heard nothing. I talk to the agency every 1-2 weeks. They reassure me they are working to find us a baby. The last time I spoke with them they told us that they have several moms due in December that will be getting matched soon - so hoping that our baby is in there somewhere, but honestly not fully counting on it. Although I really hope and pray we have a baby this year, I've gotten to a point where it feels like I've been waiting for so long that it really feels like it will never happen. Although I know that it will, I feel it's best to not get my hopes up until something does happen. So I am finally going to stop having expectations, because all of them have been wrong so far. I expected to be matched within 6-9 months of actively waiting because we are a young couple with no kids who make a good living(here we are on our 21st month anniversary of actively waiting), I expected to have a baby in the summer and that our mom was set on her adoption plan (that didn't happen), I expected to get a baby 1-2 months after our match fell through because our agency puts us at the top of the list (it's been 79 days) and I expected that 2015 was going to be the year I became a mom, but maybe it won't be. I feel like I'm finally letting go of my expectations, and it's a good thing. Although it may sounds like hopelessness, it's not. I'm hopeful, but without a date or expectations in mind, because when it doesn't happen it makes it harder. I have also learned that when I trust God to wait for my children, that means it's up to His timing. I can't follow his will and then throw tantrums when it doesn't follow my timeline. God has a plan for us, He loves us and will make us parents in accordance to His will. Although I hope this is relatively soon, ultimately it doesn't matter because I have no control over it anyways.

Many times throughout our adoption plan I have said (whether to God, my husband, or close family and friends) if we are still waiting in X amount of time, I'm not going to be able to handle it. I said that in August 2014 about still waiting until this past August. I said that about my brother having a baby before me, which he did in August. I have said that about Justin's sister who will become a mother before I do in the beginning of December. I have said it about being childless another Christmas this year. But the truth is that I am FINALLY learning. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter who has kids before me. It doesn't matter how long I wait. I will still be here. I always knew I wouldn't be able to wait this long and I wouldn't be able to handle this. But the truth is, is that God is good. He is good in the good times and he is good when it's bad. It's HIS strength that has pulled me through many dark months of waiting. It was HIS strength that held my hand when I found out that I wasn't going to be a mom in August. It was HIS strength that allowed me to go back to work and still love helping women meet their children for the first time. It is HIS strength that lets me keep waiting and prevents me from having a complete mental breakdown. God is good, all the time. I can't wait until he blesses us with children. I have no idea and no more expectations of when that will be. I'm just going to focus on getting through today first.

We have been so blessed with many amazing people around us and again want to thank you all for the love and support. I hope it won't be long until we can share our joy of becoming parents with you all. But until then we will just wait and trust that God knows what he is doing.